Gwyneth Paltrow ends her film career. Let's mourn together. Then have sex!

"I can't imagine going back to shoot a movie," Paltrow says.

Since giving birth to an Apple with husband Coldplay's Chris Martin who she presented the video of the year award during the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami, she's appeared on Oprah Winfrey and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" with Jude Law.

I feel that she's done enough. There is enough Paltrow to go around. Let's just savor what we have of her now and let Chloë Sevigny squeeze in for a while.

You and I can lay down in front of the fireplace, where there will not be a fire as it's too friggin hot already, or we can lay in from of the air conditioner and watch my collection of Gwyneth Paltrow films.

I imagine while "The Royal Tenenbaums" plays in the background, I will be massaging your small delicate feet with warm oils. Baby and scented oils, not what I drained from my car earlier. You're so unsophisticated.

Anyway, sweety...



"Bounce" has a Chapter problem on my DVD so it skips through most of that film, but the selections it plays makes the movie somewhat surreal and dreamy. You giggle as I lay you back and fill your belly button up with Ranch Dressing, so I can dunk my celery stick in. Your smooth flat stomach is soft to the touch and makes the perfect table for my sliced deli meats and cheeses. You beg for my triple decker club sandwich, but I don't share cause you are low-carbs, or need to be anyway.

"Talented Mr. Ripley" brings out the wine from Trader Joe's so it's Charles Shaw and I'm feeling pretty good until you start off about how sexy Matt Damon is... "He's Gay" I try and explain without spilling the beans on the plot.

A little pissed, but still feeling a wine buzz. You do a strip tease for me as Jude Law gets his brains bashed in on the boat. I'm so turned on right now, baby.

You can completely bend over backwards onto your hands like you use to do as a Cheerleader. I peel off one last slice of ham that's been stuck to your stomach and roll it up with some cheese and eat it. I love you so much.

"Shakespeare in Love" really gets the mood going. Poetry is your downfall as you recite some High School cheers and dirty limericks for me.


You complement me on the case of Red Stripe Jamaican beer I got you and I explain that with hurricane Ivan blowing through they need all the help with their economy that they can get.

You are able to balance a bottle of Red Stripe on your head. That's my lover!

We end the night with, "Great Expectations" and "Sliding Doors" but you are so wasted you snore through most of it as I place you in various poses and take pictures of you to send to co-workers and family when the need arises.

As Coldplay plays on my boombox I hear you in the bathroom with your head buried in the can. I'm worried, so I turn up the song, "Clocks" cause that's my favorite and I don't want my neighbors to know I have another drunken slut in my place again.

You come out looking like Courtney Love and with the light like this, and I know you were just vomiting, yet you look so nice and thin. You are so hot!

You want to go home before your dad wakes up and as soon as you clean the bathroom, I'll call my friend Aaron to see if he can give you a lift on his way to work.

Yes, I hope Gwyneth Paltrow takes some time off. She deserves it.