I was having lunch today when a guy at the next table got into an argument with his girlfriend by saying something like, "I don't think you need another serving of that, cause I'm no chubby chaser like John Edwards is."

Holy Mackerel!

She got up and walked out on him with him trailing behind apologizing.

Everyone in the place noticed it and after they were gone looked around at each other with raised eyebrows.

Relationships are fragile and must be watered daily with love and understanding.

I fell asleep with the radio on and I guess there was News about the woman that just won a third of our huge Lottery.

It reminded me of the joke:

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs
into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her
lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The
husband says,

'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

I just heard the great News that my neighbor that no longer talks to me is getting married!

I think it's great!

She broke up with a long term relationship and seemed rather sad, but in just a few short weeks meets a great new guy. Now they are getting hitched!

The heart has no clock, yet it ticks.

I was so sad to hear one of my favorite Broadcasters Larry McCormick, one of the first black TV news anchors in Los Angeles and a veteran of 33 years at KTLA, died at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He was 71.

He also had a great half hour show that I never missed called "Making It" about small business that was just wonderful.

He also was in many movies like, "Gus" and "Superdad" both with Bob Crane.

My friend Aaron's Dad Robert Graysmith wrote the book that the film, "Auto Focus" is based on and I just sent a copy to my brother. My Baptist/Church going brother.

I'm waiting to hear the results of viewing.

Larry McCormick also got dressed up and announced my wedding on the KTLA News and made several funny and sweet comments about the event.


Larry McCormick dead, just like my love life...

Never! Ever! Get married at a Restaurant!

Unless you want divorce in your future...

But now that I'm single...

Let me shave you. Here's how I shave bush.

Why do we sometimes find body hair so disgusting? I mean, it's there for some reason right?

Little girls love furry Teddy Bears, but grow up disturbed by their man's back hair...?

This might be a cool way to get close to one another. Imagine that the hair is like the wrapping on a sweet present that needs to be removed before the prize is revealed.

It could be so intimate and so rewarding. That smooth feeling. So fresh and free.

I saw a t-shirt that said, "Jesus Shaves."

Cleanliness is next to...

Get close to me.

I'll oil you up afterwords and slide you around the large sheet of plastic I've stretched out on my floor. Like some perverse Slip n' Slide you flail around like a fish, a dolphin, or maybe a beautiful mermaid.

We'll collect the huge pile of hair and sculpt animal shapes and sell them on eBay.

If this sounds at all like something you need to do to prove to yourself that you are the perfect woman, please contact me.

I was overhearing a conversation between two actresses while I was setting up my camera and heard one say to the other, "Did you know Jane Pauley, in her new book admits to being Bisexual?"

Every person on the crew stopped what they were doing. And by crew I mean just me. So I stopped what I was doing and said, "What?"

It wasn't till I got home and while watching the orgy of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics, NBC ran a story about Jane Pauley whose highly anticipated syndicated talk show debuts Tonight, reveals she was treated for bipolar disorder in her new memoir.

Bipolar disorder... Not Bisexual disorder. As if that's a disorder.

I really gave my age away when talking with one of the girls about how sad I was that Laura Branigan, singer of the hit "Gloria," died. She was only 47 and died of a brain aneurysm.

They didn't know who she was. I tried singing some of her songs. I did a little of "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You," and told them she was on soundtracks for the film "Flashdance."

"Oh I saw "Flashdance," with Jennifer Lopez, right?"

I had no idea what she was talking about.

The other girl said, "No, that was "Showgirls" idiot!"

I have to admit, when I first started out in radio I loved Laura Branigan. I always thought she was hot!

They know who Jane Pauley is, but no idea about Laura Branigan.

Earlier in the day I had to decide whether to wash a load of old underwear, or just toss them into a Hefty trashbag and throw that into the alleyway dumpster?

I chose the trash.

I swear this was a lot of underwear that I was always afraid to throw away. They were close to me like a baby blanket and even with holes and skidmarks, they were comfortable and soft to the ass and balls.

But out they went.

Tonight after a hard day with pretty but stupid girls in little clothing, I picked up some empty drink bottles and paper plates...



I was craft service too!

Out in the dark alleyway I see the dumpster lid open with the night peppered with the sight of dozens of White Manties littering the area.

Seems some homeless dumpster diver thinking he had hit the jackpot of trashbag treasures popped open and found my old underwear.

I walked around and picked up as many of them as I could as I saw he had thrown one up onto the powerline next to the sneakers with the tied shoelaces.

I would hate someone to find them as many of them have not only my name and address sewn into them, but also, "Front" and "Back," plus my DNA.

This little Angel is my friend/maid Sierra's baby. I have a blast playing with him. I thought he was a lil' girl for so long because Sierra has let his hair grow long. But he's a dude, yet still cute!

Speaking of Angels...

I can't tell you how many people write me about my friend Kelli. I mean, I guess I could look it up and count the e-mails, but who cares? She's taken!

By me and every other guy whose field of vision she crosses.

When I first met her something like Twenty years ago, I thought she was so beautiful, but now I think she's even better looking.

Here look!



This is what she'll look like driving to the Bank to get me some of her hard earned money when we're finally married.

"Oh, and honey? Can you stop by and pick me up a McChicken Sandwich on the way back?"

Good Girl!

Shut up! You're just jealous!

This is Aaron when he's finally off work from slaving over a hot computer making Dreamworks magic.

He and I hungout at Roman's and talked about a new movie he and some friends are making that sounds like a cross between, "Apocalypse Now" and "Diner" only totally different.

I'm very excited for him.

This is Sam after a few celebratory drinks wearing my sunglasses before he knocked over a drink and covered me and my books "Agitator" about Takashi Miike and "Dogme Uncut" in booze.



He felt so bad about it that he had even more drinks.

Sam is so great. Every time I spend more time with him, I find out about another multimillion dollar business he owns.

I think Sam is scared about me talking with his daughter after what I wrote a few days back. He may not completely understand my humor the way you do and the way you've come to love me after all this time.

This is Ben, Sam's partner who I've told you about before.



I met Ben's beautiful wife, but Persian guys never introduce you to their women. They are very possessive and are afraid you might look at their possessions.

I introduced myself.

She's great and smart. I immediately asked her if she had any single girlfriends. You never know I might know some single guys.

I take it Persian women only like Persian men.

I had a Persian cat once and it only liked the Persian rug to pee on.

Tanya showed up and we talked a bit about her new job. She dances at some club where they serve meat or something like that...

I tried to listen to her, but she is so pretty, it's hard to listen and look at the same time.



I should point out that this dude in the photo is not her boyfriend. I made them stand this close in the photo. So for all the guys who have been e-mailing me about Tanya, don't worry...

She's dude free.

I'd like to be telling you here that I've been doing great things...

That's just not the case.

I've had trouble sleeping as every time I roll over onto my still hurting bee stung ear... I am jolted awake by the pain.

I signed up with Netflix. I think it's great so far!

I've watched "Kill Bill" Vol.s One and Two back to back. Boy, that was fun!

I also watched "Dancer in the Dark" and cried like a little baby.

These are currently the DVDs in my Netflix Queue:
"The Work of Director Chris Cunningham"
"Dogville"
"The Five Obstructions"
"Julien Donkey-Boy"
"Audition"
"Once Upon a Time in Mexico"
"Greendale"

I believe I will be busy watching TV.

I been reading several books, but one I'm having a blast reading is this book by Pat Williams and Ken Wilson called, "How To Be Like Walt" it is
great!

I'm ready to open my own Theme Park...

Even if it's just in my heart.

Okay, following up on the last post's mystery...

It wouldn't be hard for this webpage's most diligent of readers to figure out what and who I'm talking about here.

The day blew...

No getting around that.

I was hired by a small production company to portray an historic figure on a TV series for a small, but said to be major basic cable network.

My call time was early. I was told I would be waiting around alot with some free time, so bring something to read.

I brought Jack Stevenson's "Dogme Uncut" about Lars von Trier and the Danish filmmakers that took on Hollywood with their dodme 95 manifesto.

That book in my hands garnered me some attention by the largely non-union and bitterly pissed off at Hollywood crew.

"Danny," that's what I'll call him here, because it not only is a rather generic name, but also because it is really his name.

Anyway... Danny was a PA who hung around with me most of the day. He is maybe 20 years old and a graduate of LACC's film department.

He is a pretty cool and nice guy even when he confiscated my cameraphone saying I can't shoot anything at the studio.

We were at the CBS Studios just off Ventura on Radford Ave. That was very cool!



I was to be filmed reading material and looking very business like at a huge old desk in a great set representing the 1920's.

While sitting at the desk and the crew readied for the shoot, I rummaged through the old prop and found a yellowed business card stuck between the seams of the wood drawer.

The card was for an old restaurant called, "Florentine Gardens" the phone number given only had four digits, so it must be old. On the back of the card in great handwriting it said "Tues at 9:00 ask for De Carlo."

With everything that happened all day and night, this is the one thing that stayed firmly in my head.

Who was De Carlo?

Did the guy make it on time Tuesday to see this De Carlo?

I was put into costume. An old stinky Black wool double breasted business suit. Man did I look sharp!

The producer named Trenda is a beautiful Jillian Barberie look a like, ran me through some silent actions to perform around the office. The camera followed me.

It all seemed quick and no one cared about anything artsy, just quick and fast. I thought I was just doing a great job. No retakes, or screwed up lines.

Then the crew and I left the set to shoot on location up on Doheny above Sunset Blvd in the backyard and guest house of a great old Hollywood mansion.

About twenty people were in this huge backyard all working on their specific jobs. I reached into my pockets to grab a few quick pics with my cameraphone and realized that not only were these not my pants, but that my cameraphone and wallet were back in a dressing room of CBS.

While I was going through the panic of losing my stuff, two large guys were clamping a light to the overhang of the guest house to shine a shaft of light across the doorway.

Suddenly, they start screaming and waving their hands. I see them jump off their ladders two floors to the ground.

A huge cloud swarmed around that light. You could hear it. You could hear everyone starting to run. The gaffers had disturbed a bee hive and the bees were pissed.

Everyone ran for cover. I was by far the furthest away... About 100 yards away standing next to a pickup parked in the drive of the servants entrance. I could see the bees were a ways away, but I slowly climbed into the cab.

Of all those people... and me being the furthest away... Guess who was the only one stung?

As the door was closing a bee shot straight into my right ear.

I slapped and the bee stung me on the back of the ear.

I've never in my life been stung by a bee, I have to tell you, It may have been the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.

My ear immediately swelled up to the point I thought it might blow up and fall off my head.

Danny drove me to the emergency room and a nurse removed the stinger. She shot me up with noninflammatory drugs and a painkiller, then told me that the reason I was the only one stung by a honey bee was because I was the sweetest one there.

That was nice.



Later back at the studio, I was told by no less than three people that I should sue the production company.

Danny and I walk into the set area and I see a guy who looks abit like me in costume, acting in what looks to be similar scenes as I was to be doing.

The soundguy passes me and whispers, "I know a good lawyer if you decide to change your mind and now sue."

Trenda walks me into the dressing/bathroom and sits me down to tell me that she didn't have access to the sets for very long and had to find someone else to do my stuff.

She says, "We'll run with this guy and if we have time left over we'll come in here and get you and shoot all your stuff."

I knew that wasn't happening.

She goes on, "Here's some donuts. They're all yours cause everyone is no carbs here, so just sit back and relax and watch TV and when we're done we'll come and get you."

She left. I locked the doors and took off the wool pants and found my allergic reaction to wool have made my legs break out in Red welts.

I took everything off but a t-shirt and underwear.

On a little Black and White TV I watched Synchronized Swimming on the Olympics.

I was sad and getting really bored. I was a bit high from the medicine and painkillers.

Yet, even with the anti-inflammatory medicine meant to cause swelling to go down, I began to get an erection watching these girls with their legs all entwined in the water.

My erection wouldn't stop!



It was like I was shot up with some sort of Viagra.

Two hours goes by and I'm still sitting in this room and no one comes to check on me. What if I had passed out due to lack of blood in my head because of my huge erection?

I eat one donut.

Dunkin's not Krispy-Kreme... Damn!

I think about that joke about the guy bringing coffee and donuts down to a nude beach. Both hands he's got coffee but he'd carrying the donuts on his weener.

Bored and stupid I want to see how many donuts I can get on my penis?

I begin the stacking. I have to stretch out the donut holes, but I get three glassed ones on good. There are only five in the box, so I got two more to squish on my pecker to win the Olympics.

There's of course a knock at the door.

It's Trenda wanting to come in.

I dispense the donuts into the box and pull on the wool pants.

She steps in the doorway and tells me that she's sorry and that they got all they need and that maybe something else will come up then she'll call me then.

She asks to see my bee sting and I turn. She pulls up a chair and gets a closer look at the back of my ear.

I turn back around and she is eating one of the donuts that were on my penis.

"You know, we have a show coming up that I think I could use you on. If you are interested I put a word in for ya." She says picking up another of my penis donuts.

"Oh boy am I hungry." She crams it in.

"I love glazed donuts!"

I would love more than anything to be able to provide you with the names and photos of individuals involved with what today's posting is all about. But because I've been warned that discussing it will possibly harm me and my future here in Hollywood...

I will post more in the next day...

To be continued...

I was talking with my, soon to be wife if there is a God, Kelli.


We were talking about clothes and stuff and how we were glad that cooler temps are coming so we could wear more fun clothes.

Tomorrow I'm heading back over to the Diesel store in the Beverly Center to pick up some much needed threads that my personal stylist and costume designer for Fox's, "The O.C." Alexandra Welker suggested I should get.

However with a huge and important party coming up where I might be dealing with potential investors funding future projects, I thought I might try these Pimp looks.

Kelli was telling me about how she and her friends have fought over her maid's schedule as they all share the same help. It appears Kelli and I have a cleaning woman on the same day.

Tuesday!

Just another thing we have in common and that makes it a sign from God that she's the one for me! Unless something else better works out for her.

But really Kelli, why dissapoint God?

Kelli pointed out how useless it is to have your place cleaned on a Tuesday, when by the weekend the house is a wreck and ill suited for partying.

This is not a pic from the Abu Ghraib Prison Complex, I swear. It is my friend and maid Sierra's kid. This is how she gets him to calm down and sleep.



By chloroforming a towel and wrapping it tightly around his head until the kicking and screaming stops.

I was disturbed by this at first, but realized it was a cultural thing and really, do I need to hear this kid screaming all the time anyway?

Speaking of screaming, I found a beautiful reproduction of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" in my alleyway in the dumpster.

It looks so real with brush strokes and everything. I can't believe someone threw it away.

I've decided to hang it up above the fireplace in my library reading area next to the East Wing Pink Breakfast room.

This is my friend Sam. He is one wealthy sombitch!




He is a trained engineer, yet he owns several businesses and loves art and artists.

He really is so pleasant to be around. He loves making people happy.


I watched him set up a fountain.

He loves fountains. I hear his home has many.









While he's wealthy enough to sit back and just enjoy his money, he doesn't sit back. He's active! He gets out there and makes things happen. Whatever he puts out, it comes back to him tenfold.

Sam knows what it takes to make me happy. Whenever I see him smile, I know a handshake is headed my way. Someday maybe that hand of his will be loaded up with a huge check. Maybe he'll fund a film of mine?

It doesn't really matter. I get excited just seeing him.

One day I saw him talking to possibly the most beautiful teenage girl I've ever seen. She could, I swear be in Miss Teen Universe or something.

I was thinking Sam you dirty dawg!

You're a married man! What are you doing talking with this pretty young thing?

But when you got riches...? You don't even need to get your back waxed. Chicks will dig you anyway.

Then they kissed each other sweetly.

Wow!

I right then and there dropped to my knees and asked God, "God? If you make me a rich man, I will do everything I can to tell everyone about you and how cool you are."

Then they said goodbye to each other and I gave Sam the look.

Turn out she was and is Sam's daughter.

See? There is a moral here...

Sam is wealthy in many ways not at first seen. His lovely family makes him wealthy beyond imagination.

And I knew God had answered me.

God was saying basically, "If Jerry is to be a wealthy man, he must date Sam's daughter."

Or something like that...


You know God, he's so complex, it's hard sometimes for me to figure him out, but I believe that's what he's saying...

Just for added assurance, I tossed a few pennies into Sam's fountain.


And scheduled a back waxing.

There was a message on my answering machine from some woman who seemed upset with me. She didn't say who she was. I didn't recognize the voice. No number was left.

She said, "What makes you think anyone cares about what you have to say?"

I was taken aback. I was hurt. I even now feel weird about it.

My whole day was just a mess with that churning everything up in my thoughts and feelings.

I went for a walk.






I tried to clear my head, so I began thinking about Ray Carney and his "Open Letter to the Next Generation of American Filmmakers" where he says, "All valuable acts of expression are acts of exploration."

I just kept trying to focus on that sentence.

I watched a little bit of ABC's, "Extreme Home Makeover." I don't know why. I just did.

I like seeing cool homes.

I have a friend who is having his Echo Park house renovated and I believe it's been going on for over two years now. I bet he hates this show!

I was thinking, I bet if I had a really beautiful house with a cool interior, I'd meet a wonderful woman then.

But I'd have to have a great car, too. Can't be pulling up to a state of the art home in a dirty beat up Honda.

I finished watching my Stan Brakhage documentary. Even as odd as that guy was, he had a pretty hot chick/wife.

I thought as I was making my current film, "American Girlfriend X," that I would be coated in dating opportunities.

Wrong!

The girls I was interested in seem to only want to be involved with successful filmmakers and not potential ones.

My sister-in-law keeps trying to get me to move away from Los Angeles. She thinks I should be able to find a nice Church going woman with 5 or 6 kids and a farm.

The farm part sounds good.

But I like alleyways, industrial spaces, and tar pits.






An e-mail arrived while writing this, from a person named Janet who says:

"I just discovered you from a link placed on April Winchell. I think you are funny. And funny looking!"

Thanks, Janet.

April Winchell is a very funny lady. I think her radio show was some of the best radio I ever heard.

Someone was nice enough to send her a link to my site, I guess and she posted it somewhere, yet I am unable to find where.

Still, very nice.

I wonder if Janet owns a farm?

Please send a photo so I can comment on you, Janet.

Another Craig's List Personal Ad brings no love, nor response:

What comes out of my cock tastes like candy!



I know what a woman needs.

I know what the kind of woman I want needs.

That's right!

Krisy-Kreme Donuts!

And I know how to hold them without my hands getting sticky.

To find out how:
Visit Jerry Lentz

I'm starting to think when people read my writing... That they're taking me too serious.

I'm just a fun lovin' guy.

I like having fun and want life to be fun.

I can be serious about things. I get depressed. I need to create. I need to keep busy to get out of my head.

I get lonely.

I like meeting new people and hearing stories about their lives. Maybe I can learn something from them.

You never know who you might be friends with if you give someone a little bit of your time and attention.

This is my UPS Driver Ruben.


I think he's one of the coolest people I know. I see him almost everyday and never get tired of chatting with him about the latest band or concert.

He has a beautiful wife and a rock and roll daughter who is 14 years old, I think.

Some days when Ruben has the day off, or is sick and has a replacement, I am a little sad. Like something is missing about my day.

Sometimes I see him drinking coffee, or having a lunch break with other friends of his and I know he is special because people seem to really care about him.



This is Steve, who I've mentioned here many times.


He has the greatest website about animation and it is world renown by animators everywhere. Animation Meat!

He is working on a new ground breaking TV series for Drew Carey.

Steve sent me info about the new Robert Rodriguez/Frank Miller film, "Sin City," it like his Drew Carey TV show, is all "Green Screen." FX to be added later.

Oh...

And how Jessica Alba is playing a stripper. I couldn't remember who she was...

--- Steve Kellener wrote:
"Sin City"

Jerry Lentz wrote:

Steve,

Were you talking about her?
Jessica Alba?

Steve, Aaron and I spent some time, many hours talking about everything you can imagine.


Michael walked over to our table and made some crack about how we should be out in a club somewhere instead of having hours of conversation.

It kind of hurt me. I think being with friends is the greatest thing ever.

And I have few friends.

Los Angeles isn't always kind to me in the way of finding friends.

It really is like a beach here with items washing up on shore.

Sometimes you will find a beautiful seashell, but mostly you find dead fish and Medical Waste.

But Today I found a Mermaid!

I can't tell you her name yet...

But she is an artist, a concert promoter, a mother of a 14 year old boy, and a friend to the coolest and biggest Bullmastiff female dog I've seen in a long time.

I was hoping she was a concert promoter involved with the Inland Invasion concert that I've actually considered buying tickets for, but who am I kidding, would I really go?

Anyway, she wasn't...

She promotes concerts in China. Maybe she'll get me a free ticket to see something there.

I hear you can get good Orange Chicken in China.

I had a great time talking with her and playing with her dog, who just got back from an early morning run on the beach in Malibu.

So I hope her dog crapped on David Geffen's sandbox!

My German friend Peter sent me a story about a guy getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

That story made me laugh...

This is my Rockstar friend Butterfly again.

She's in the band PsychoQueen. This is her visiting me. Her boyfriend is in China working on some Hong Kong action films.

She's lonely.

She needs love.

I want to give it to her, but not only is her boyfriend a complete Chinese Stud (wow, I just realized I've never heard the term, "Chinese Stud" before...) he's capable of killing me with one finger. He's like Jet Li only different.

I ran into an old friend today at Borders on Ventura. I was listening to West Indian Girl and the song "Hollywood."

I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was a girl from my neighborhood that I kinda had a crush on once when I met her walking dogs for some rich dog loving people.

I was married at the time I first met her, but always found her sweet and friendly. She's completely a free spirit and a talented painter.

She's barefooted every time I see her and once I mentioned a skirt I saw in a magazine made out of old men's ties. A week later I see her again and she runs back home, puts on the skirt she had just made herself, put it on and ran back to show me.

She put on a fashion show right there in the street.

At Borders she was picking up a new book by Sark and was impressed that I knew who she was.

We walked over and sat in the Cafe and see told me about moving to Portland with a guy she met on Craig's List when she was looking for someone to hook up her computer to a printer.

He did a lot of work fixing her computer and when it came time to pay him, she found that she had left her purse at her sister's house. So, embarrassed she offered to make him dinner. They hit it off and started dating.

They moved to Oregon and they moved in with his sister in a huge house.

They dated for, I think she said, "Three Months" and then she found out he was married and had a family... And a secret life!

But she's still friends with his sister who is the one who broke the news to her.

We talked for quite a while and she even told me how on the day we first met out on the street with all those dogs, she wanted to take me back to her place and make love to me.

She said she hinted and hinted, but either I didn't catch on, or I was just so happily in Love with my then wife I didn't pay attention.

All I remember about that scene was there were two dogs that wouldn't stop humping each other and one small one that was humping my leg.

I guess with all that humping...

I was too distracted to catch her advances.

She may have been hinting to me that tonight love could be possible again, but I must be in another place right now...

It just doesn't feel right somehow.

This is my friend Fernando.



He's an artist who's very funny and sweet. He's married, but girls love to flirt with him. He asked me why don't I ever put his photo on my webpage? Well, I have...

While hanging out with him, I saw the cutest girl with the coolest haircut. Her name is Nicole and I invited her to an art exhibit that's coming up in a few weeks, so I'm hoping she'll show up for that, but I doubt it.

I was pretending not to notice her as she was talking to a friend of hers, so as they talked I wrote out a Craig's List Personal Ad that I'm hoping will bring cool and funny girls into my life.

We'll see...

Learn from Gov. James McGreevey... Don't hide your true self! - 39 (Abu Ghraib Prison Complex)

Learn from Gov. James McGreevey, who appointed his gay lover to a high-paying anti-terrorism job.

He had a homosexual affair, while McGreevey, 47, is a married father of two. He said he was resigning because he had violated his marriage vows by having the affair, which affects his ability to do his job.

If you want to be my lover, yet have Lesbian urges that need to be fulfilled, make sure that you come to me first... I don't want this to affect your job performance.

If you find it difficult to do your job to clean up, wash the dishes, do my laundry, and do what I need you to do around my place, then maybe we should talk about you taking a five to ten minute break with a hot looking lipstick Lesbian.

For God sake, come to me first, so I can set up my video equipment.

I know, I know... Sure we can sell the videos, but if I may be so bold to suggest, that we actually might learn something about you and your desires and needs.

Who knows this other chick might really be cool and also enjoy taking care of chores around my house, maybe she'll love washing my stinking clothes with you.

You two can get in your bikinis and soak up as you wash my exotic Honda Civic. I can get inside the car as the two of you slide your breast across my windshield like that scene from "Cool Hand Luke."

Then maybe you two can change the oil and see if you can tell what that knocking sound might be under the hood.

Then after all that sweaty wet work you'll be rewarded with a nice meal you started before your play time began. Keep it low carb! Remember she's a lipstick Lesbian, not a tough mannish Lesbian. You don't want her getting away.

See how much better it is for everyone just to be themselves? No secrets!

Everything videotaped!

Now taking applications for potential lovers and Homeland Security Officer of my apartment.

This is me driving into a car wash and beginning a ride with the windows up this time.

The radio was talking about film composer Elmer Bernstein, who created the themes for "The Magnificent Seven," "The Man With The Golden Arm" and "To Kill a Mockingbird," he died.

While he was known to be a supporter of liberal causes, Elmer Bernstein was Blacklisted in the Hollywood Red Hunt and was called before a congressional subcommittee to name names.

He refused.

Big studios wouldn't hire him, and he worked on the music for low-budget films like "Cat Women of the Moon," and "Robot Monster."

Elmer Bernstein.


I was thinking of him while I drove my car into a car wash. The radio static-ed-out and I popped in a tape I made of Alex North's original "2001: A Space Odyssey" soundtrack, but about three minutes in, The The came on. I guess someone recorded over this unlabeled tape.

This is in the car wash.



As multicolored soap splashed my windshield like a Grateful Dead lightshow, this played:

The The: Gravitate to Me

I've been watching you for ages
You're like a boat without a mast
Struggling with the tide of destiny
Between the future and the past

I am the lighthouse
I am the sea
I am the air that you breathe
Gravitate to me

Through the ether and the mists of the mind
You will come to me to lay by my side
To stroke my hair, to cuddle my flesh
And to quell the torrents in my subterranean depths
This world ain't strong enough to keep us from each other
For we are kindred spirits, born to become earthly lovers
And while my vanity struggles against my integrity
I find myself thinking, how deep runs my humanity?
When held up against eternity?

I am the lighthouse
I am the sea
I am your destiny
Gravitate to me

I know you
From a previous incarnation..

Thoughts of Elmer Bernstein faded as the brushes spun against my little Honda whipping it in some rhythmic mocking of sex magik and lust.

I thought of a Russian lady I've seen many times and spent some time talking with earlier today.

My friend Michael is attracted to her. But he has so many women interested in him, how can he have time for even one more.

This is him in my sunglasses.



I know what you are saying... Women want him?

Well, you don't know him. He has some amazing magnetic energy that cause females of all legal ages to approach him. It really is sickening to see.

Oh, the woman I was talking about?

Her name is "Merlin" but that can't be the correct spelling can it?

That's a dude's name. A sorcerer dude.

I've said this before to her friends... I think she may be one of the more beautiful women I've ever seen.

I even told her that very thing while she sat across from me drinking her coffee.

She gave the slightest of smiles. She has heard this way too many times.

But I said it to her again, because once you realize there is no parking space for your heart in her lot... It just becomes sincere without motive.

After my car dried and I pulled out onto Magnolia. I sat at a light waiting to cross Victory and I started humming some lyrics that I just made up and couldn't get out of my head during the instrumental parts of the music by The The.



Russian girls

in West Berlin

I'll see you there

will you let me in?

you're under my skin

everywhere

But do you care

That I'm here

and you're there?

I wanted to take her picture, but she got up from the table and ran away. Before this though, she took my number and told me she would come over to see me.

I'm not attracted to her in any sexual way, but there is something so fascinating about her. She appears to be very artistic, stylish and spiritual...

But it just might be what she wears as clothes and perfume.

I believe she's older than me, but I'm not sure. Maybe she's just an older soul.

This is Steve.

I know it doesn't look it, but he's one of the coolest people I know. He's hard working, smart businessman, great husband, cool father to a beautiful daughter and wonderful son I hear, yet have never seen this son...

If you ever bought a New Wave T-shirt with checkerboard pattern or anything like that in the late 80's/early 90's, chances are Steve had something to do with it.

Back then he pushed cool clothes like people push crack... If you needed whatever the latest cool band was wearing... The only person to get it from was Steve.

He was the clothes man and the best bands knew it!

He was like the Sy Devore to Flock of Seagulls and parts of the E-Street Band.

Some people have one career they might excel in, Steve has reinvented himself and mastered two... So far!

Who knows what's next?

The guy's awesome!

He also lets me eat for free anytime I want!

I just have to pay $11.00 for ice tea!

I bet if you go in the Village Pizzeria on Larchmont Blvd, and tell them you heard about them on my (Jerry Lentz... Come on!) website... I bet Steve will let you eat whatever you want on the menu for the regular price!

My dream diet has just been announced!

This was on the News!

Pizza and Chinese food: The dream diet
Dining out doesn't have to do your diet in. Here is a
way to work pizza and Chinese food into a
1,500-calorie-a-day eating plan.

Foods at the bottom bump the calories up to 1,800

Breakfast

One meal replacement bar such as Kashi GoLean Crunchy
Bars, PowerBar Protein Plus Bar or SlimFast
Meal-on-the-Go Bar

½ cup berries or piece of fruit

1 cup skim milk

Coffee or tea, black or with skim milk, sugar
substitute

Snack

1 oz. dry-roasted nuts

Lunch

1 slice cheese pizza

2 cups tossed salad with deep-green lettuce, carrots,
tomatoes, green pepper

2 tbsp. light ranch dressing

Water, iced tea or other non-caloric drink

Snack

1 cup melon or ½ cup berries or 1 pear

Dinner (at a Chinese restaurant or at home)

1 cup wonton soup

1 cup chicken with broccoli*

½ cup steamed rice

1 fortune cookie

Calories: About 1,500

Fat: 50 grams

Fiber: 22 grams

To bump up to 1,800 calories:

Lunch: Add another piece of cheese pizza

Snack: Add Fudgsicle or other low-fat frozen bar

Chicken broccoli recipe:

Cut 2 skinless chicken breasts into bite-size pieces.
Combine ½ tsp salt, ¼ cup cooking sherry, 3 tsp. corn
starch, 1 cup chicken broth in bowl and mix well. Heat
1 tbsp. olive oil in a wok or non-stick pan and add
ginger (ground or freshly grated to taste). Stir-fry
for one minute. Add chopped chicken and stir-fry until
brown. Add broth mixture and 2 cups chopped broccoli
and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 3-4
minutes. Add ½ cup almonds. Serve over ½ cup rice.

*Note: can add more vegetables to taste, such as snap
peas, carrots, water chestnuts

Source: Registered dietitian Bonnie Jortberg, director
of Colorado Weigh at the University of Colorado Health
Sciences Center in Denver

To give you more incentive to go to the Village Pizzeria on Larchmont Blvd...



This is a friend I met at Blockbuster. She use to let me rent movies for free. Sometimes I didn't even rewind. Sometimes I never brought the tape, or DVD back... She is always cool with me!

Now she works at the Village Pizzeria.

This is her cleaning my utensils. She does it just like I like it...

Without spitting on them first, like some old cranky bartenders I use to know.

Plus, she's really Hot looking and that makes eating pizza fun!

This is my Russian friend Tanya hamming it up in my sunglasses.

I know this shirt she's wearing looks skin tight, that's because it's not a shirt at all. This is sprayed on paint. Tayna is completely nude from the waist up. She does that kind of thing sometimes just to mess with peoples heads.

Graffiti artists are making more money here in Los Angeles painting their gang symbols on peoples flesh than they are in alleyways and the side of buses.

I got my two DVD's that I won from Zeitgeist Films! and Martha Mitchell in the Marketing Department of Landmark Theatres.

"IN THE MIRROR OF MAYA DEREN" so far is great! I had to keep freeze framing it cause I think she was so beautiful. So is this film by documentarian Martina Kudlácek.

I don't want it to end...

Oh and get this, there's an original score by experimental jazz legend John Zorn!

My friend Kelli would just was in the hospital getting a spinal tap and lumbar puncture is now jetting across the world to spend some time in St. Petersburg and Prague.

That chick has the life!

Maya Deren is a woman I wonder if I'd get along with... From the safety of time and film, that distance, it seems like she'd be wonderful to know, yet maybe she would be a real problem to be friends with... Artists are sometimes just completely insane to be around.

Kelli and I are having a great time talking on the phone and e-mailing each other as she lives in Austin. I wonder if she'd put up with me if she lived her in Los Angeles?

A friend of this website who makes films in Brazil and who sells them on eBay, yet demands I not mention him ever on my site... E-mailed me yesterday saying, "Jerry, you have so many girlfriends, why you not happy sleep with them???"

My question exactly!

This is me on Beverly Drive before going in to Taschen to look at their art/porn.

Do you believe?

...Believe I look like an Angel?

Once there was a lady who didn't speak English and she tried to tell me what she thought I looked like...

And she pointed up to the sky.

I thought she meant I looked like an Angel.

I was very touched, but then her friend said, "No. She thinks you look like an Alien."

Great!

Maybe I do.

If you like aliens. The cute ones. The kind that only abduct, impregnate, and perform anal probing...

Wait, is that the cute kind?

I don't really know alien stuff, but if you're interested in "missing time" I know how to kill time.

I wish I could travel the know galaxy in my saucer. It would be a cool Silver sports model ship.

Folding space. Light, minimalist, clean, yet lonely too.

Traveling can be fun, but sometimes it's nice to share the experience with another humanoid.

If you'd like contact, let me know.

I've said this before, but I think Larry Cohen is a God!

Cellular great timing since I just bought a new phone.

If you liked "Phonebooth" well, there's even more like that from the Man!

ABC 7 here in Los Angeles ran a story about Cinespia where you can watch old movies by the graves of some of those in the films.

This is a blast. Next to Paramount Studios. Cool crowds.

If you could watch a movie next to the grave of an actor... What film and what actor?

The question assumes they're dead. I know you jokers.

What about the moviegoer that spills his drink, trashes the grave with candy wrappers, and talks through the movie...

Then the dead actor rises from the grave and eats him... Maybe it's a critic.

I'm writing it down now as I type this... Huh?

If you help me sell it, I'll let you have some of my popcorn... And I swear I haven't put my weener through a hole in the bottom of the box this time.

This was my big scene in Michael Mann's "Collateral" that was cut out. Thanks to Tom Cruise, I can show it to you here.

Maybe I'll be in the extras when the DVD comes out.

Hong Kong police seized about 300 crickets, $1,025 in cash and arrested 115 men for illegally gambling on insect fights.

The money I could make with the bugs I find in my bathtub...

I was asking a friend if he had seen the new TV show, "Greencard" where they put Mexicans through a series of difficult challenges to win a Greencard?

He hadn't.

Sounds like a "Fear Factor" for illegal aliens. Challenges, I believe are how fast you can cross a river, move through a sewer pipe, remove a car radio, and sprinting with a TV set while Police dogs chase you.

To me this sounds wrong and insulting, but then so does almost all television these days. But since I don't have cable and the fact that the only broadcast stations that come in are Spanish... And they are crystal clear! With just rabbit ears they come in like HDTV.

I guess I'll watch.

Today at Island's in Burbank, I was eating a bucket of fries and found a hair deep-fried in it. I looked at it a bit, but the fries were perfect up until that point, yet I didn't want to stop. So I asked my friend if he would tell the waiter?

He said, "The deep-frying has killed any germs."

Then I thought about "Fear Factor," and how if a former contestant was in a restaurant and found a bug or something in their food, can they even complain?

Wouldn't the waiter just go, "Haven't you had worse?"

Investigators in England think a fire at the Devizes Cricket Club was caused by a rabbit that was hiding in a pile of branches stacked up for a bonfire the grounds crew lit, the rabbit ran out with its tail on fire and dashed into the club.

There was a resent wildfire out here that was blamed on a bird that caught fire on a powerline and flew in flames into the dry brush.

While others went to see, "AVP," I was watching, "AFV" on ABC.

"America's Funniest Home Videos" was really good. There was a lil' weener dog that was watching a fireworks display and decided that the Roman Candle needed to be fetched. The dog was running around with fireballs shooting out from its mouth into the crowd.

Awesome!

You can't get that kind of entertainment in movies these days. Free TV is where it's at...

This is either Aaron and me on the set of the new remake of "2001" or our new CD cover...

Or neither...

At Roman's in Studio City, Michael does that cool Euro club thing of putting ice in the urinal.

While relieving myself after a bladder filled sitting in traffic fun fest, the radio in the bathroom began playing, that great 80's band Modern English and "I'll stop the world and melt with you."

I was in fact melting ice with my hot steamy stream of pee pee. If it was snow instead of ice, I might have been able to write a 500 page novel and not just my name with all the tea I had been drinking.

It was one long and unbroken session of urination, I realized I would make it all the way through this song before getting the needle on empty.

I began a fit of uncontrolled giggling making my aim rather dodgy.

Just at that wrong moment a father and his small son come in and seeing a full grown man all alone looking at his penis, with tears pouring down his face and giggling like a lil' schoolgirl, well, they couldn't take it, they turned around and walked right back out.

Fine, whatever...

I guess not everyone likes Modern English, or bands from the 80's.

This pic is of Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz hanging out with me.

Man, do I look ugly...

If anyone ever needed an extreme makeover it's me!

Anyway, Willard and Gloria are way cool! They truly are fun, smart, artistic, talented and I believe some of the wealthiest people who I know.

They wrote "American Graffiti" and a whole lot of stuff!

I was asking Willard if he wrote a film called, "The Devil's Eight."

He looked shocked.

He had worked on it.

I couldn't quite remember if he had, but I always remember that film because it was about moonshine and fast cars.

At the Drive-In where my brothers and I were watching it in Buffalo, Missouri, they were actually drinking moonshine and Buckhorn Beer. At one point someone was laughing so hard at a joke on screen that they got choked and began throwing up out the window of the car.

Then people drinking in the other parked cars also began throwing up because they caught sight of my brother vomiting.

I told Willard this, but he didn't find the humor in it, as he, I believe felt the vomiting had to do with the film. That's not the case at all, I have fond memories of "The Devil's Eight."

Remember Christopher George and Fabian?

Well, I do, and I was just 6 years old!

I'll have to see if I can find that film on DVD.

Walt Disney's Miramax has just started a layoff of 65 of 485 workers to cut costs.

They need fewer and fewer people to haul around the boxes of cash "The Passion of the Christ" is siphoning in...

Some friends of mine just bought a house too...

John Sayles has a new movie coming out that's a political satire. It's got Chris Cooper, Kris Kristofferson, Daryl Hannah and Richard Dreyfuss. Sounds like it'll be pretty cool.

I just watched "Lone Star" for the 50th time the other day. I love it!

I was having a lunch with a friend that works for Taschen, we were talking about the release date for the new Stanley Kubrick Archives book by Alison Castle and just as the pizza was coming, I overheard people at the next table saying that Warner Bros. had bought the monolith.

I thought they meant the prop from "2001," but they were talking about Monolith, the game maker that created "Tron 2.0," "Alien vs. Predator 2," and "No One Lives Forever," and how it will become part of Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment, that produces the multiplayer online game, "The Matrix Online."

In other great news, drummer Charlie Watts of the Rolling Stones is being treated for throat cancer. Singing or even talking wasn't big on his list of things to do anyway.

There is a plan afoot that would allow the publisher of Penthouse magazine to rise from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection later this month. Making it possible for me to see hot looking chicks drink their own urine again!

Now if only Omni magazine would come back into print. Kinda think you'll see pics of Arthur C. Clarke drinking his own urine before that happens.

I am so excited today!!!

It looks like I've been cast to play Hollywood Icon Samuel Goldwyn in an A&E Biography...

I know, I know... It's typecasting, but I am so excited!

Once at New Line Cinema I ran into Tony Goldwyn the actor and he commented to me that I looked like Sam.

"That's a complement, right?"

"Of course!" he said.

I met up with Aaron last night at Roman's. He's pretty tired and almost finished with "Shark Tale," so he's ready to hit the surf in Cambodia, as that's his favorite vacation spot.

I wonder if I could ever get my Vietnam Vet brother Donald to go back as a vacation?

Doubt it, but I'll ask.

Chef Julia Child dies at 91.

In her honor, I'll eat a slice of cheese pizza in the Village Pizzeria on Larchmont Blvd.

I know, I eat there everyday, but today it will be special. For Julia...

Craig Kilborn gave notice that he's leaving to do other things...

Sources say he's out at the end of this month, sending CBS and David Letterman's Worldwide Pants, out hitting the streets looking for a replacement.

I've kept this under my hat a while, but some of you know, I have been auditioning for the desk these past few weeks. I know they are trying to get Conan, cause he'd like a change, but my tests have gone over pretty well and I have met some nice people who have sat in as guests on the test shows.

I doubt I'll get it, but it has been fun thinking about it.

I stopped in an caught a screening of "Alien vs. Predator" and was astonished that neither creature won, but it was the humans that killed them all. Making it kind of pointless.

I'm waiting for...

"King Kong vs. Godzilla."

Today was my lucky day! Friday the 13th, you rock!

Dear FiLM Club Member,

Congratulations! You've won "BRAKHAGE" and "IN THE MIRROR OF MAYA DEREN" on DVD courtesy of Zeitgeist Films!

We'd like to announce your name in next week's Los Angeles update.

Thanks for participating in the contest and again, congratulations!

Best,

Martha Mitchell
Marketing Department
--------------

I was able to answer:

1.) According to "Biographical information for Maya Deren" by Moira Sullivan , what is the filmmaker's birth name?

Eleanora Derenkowsky

2.) According to "Stan Brakhage: A Brief Introduction" by Fred Camper, what must a viewer learn to do in order to watch Brakhage's films?

"one must learn to see faster, more precisely, and more deeply."

Boy, I am so glad I won this one, these are my two favorite filmmakers!

Hopefully with all this good luck, I'll get laid!