What makes me so Hot to Women?

I don't know either!

Fever?

Let's face it, good looks on guys just don't cut it except on covers for Romance books and movie posters. Everyone one knows if a guy is good looking and sexy, he's gay. It's a fact! I remember my mom loving Rock Hudson and Liberace. I think I was just a lil' kid watching Liberace and thinking he was a lil' bit scary and my mom telling me how women would line up around the block to watch him play.

So, what I'm trying to say is, if you're a woman and you don't want to spend you life as a fag-hag, you need to lower your standards, sister! I'm here to help. I care. You know I'm just being honest with you. You're trying to fight it, I can see that look on your face! Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

Thinking I might need to build up my self-confidence, I thought about approaching myself as a brand, a product, a object if you will, and see how women in a focus group might appraise my value. It's a scary thing! I know I could be hurt. But ya know what? Women have been hurting me all my life, some started when they were young and just grew into the ability to make me cry.

Maybe I get the last laugh on some of them, I know 4 women that married their so called Adonis boyfriends only to discover within a year that they were really Gay. It isn't that I'm happy about someone being in pain, but these bitches deserved it! If it happened to you, I would feel bad. So bad in fact, I'd let you come over here even if it was late, sit on my couch, let you cry on my shoulder, let you put your hands down my pants, pat you and tell you, "It'll be okay, baby. You'll find a non-gay man soon." Because I care!

If you need the tell-tell signs, I know them, I've heard them all, and I'll tell you. It's none of the "Metro-sexual" stuff your friends tell you, either. It's other more subtle behavior, like watching a lot of Sports and sucking lots of cock. I should right a book! The things wives tell me! Girls and women just open up to me like you wouldn't believe!

Anyway, back to me, your friend, Jerry. This chart above is just a quick summary of bullet points of my epic awesomeness, but it's a small part of a much larger slide show presentation with a break for lunch about 3 hours in depending on the venue. I hope you can come! If you can't come, let me know, I bet I can finger out a way for you to come. I know I can help you come! That's why God put me on this Earth, I know it, cause Jesus told me in a dream!

Thinking of starting a private consultation in addition to the touring seminars, to help you with your stressful troubles, so if you are working, can't leave because you have kids, don't have a car, I'll make it happen by traveling, finding my way to your spot, rolling up my sleeves, making you comfortable, finding the sensitive stuff, getting to the heart of the matter, feeling around, finding your needs, getting to the point, getting you to open up, once you have exposed the situation, you can lay back, if you have some juicy stuff, show me where it is, spread them out before me and it's a fact, no matter the difficulty, I will lick it!

It's not that I have created this chart because I want to meet more lonely women and young fresh thin sexy college age girls looking for an older male to educated them in the forbidden and lost arts of love, not at all. No, my goal is to truly find my way into the heart of one special woman, maybe you know her, maybe you think you know her, maybe you can put in a good word for me?

I want this woman so bad I can taste it! I can feel her in my dreams! The things she wants me to do to her, but she's afraid to tell me, because she wants to make me think she's a Lady, so she wants me to read it in her expression instead of hearing it from her lips. She shows me what those lips are for!

My heart aches for her! My loins throb for her! My pulse races when I know sleep is near, because it is there when she floats down to me and has her way with my spirit.

She better take me soon, because, baby, I ain't getting any younger!

Oh, for fuck's sake! I've reached that age where a majority of my day is spent shaving, trimming, plucking and waxing unsightly body hair! Where did all this ear hair come from? Who gave it permission to grow there? I've collected enough body hair to absorb the Gulf Oil Spill... this is ponderous, man! Fucking ponderous!

For Halloween one year, I let my back hair go a day without waxing and did a comb-over from my back to the top of my head, and I kid you not, I looked like Danzig!

Why are we so concerned in this society about hairless bodies? I read a leading female social scientist that believes a new crop of teen girls will grow up to want their lovers to be hairy and hairy as possible due to reading books and viewing movies at an impressionable age that deal with sexy werewolves. Again, another example to show I was born ahead of my time!

Women in my unfortunate age bracket constantly mention waxing on men and go, "ewww, gross, gay" but then complain to their friends about their husbands nasty body hair while they pretend to be standing in line for their daughters to see hairless teen boys strut on the big screen in paranormal Mormon cougar fantasies like "Twilight: Eclipse."

Maybe the man that shaves and waxes wants to please you? Maybe he's fighting for your attention because all you seem to be doing is looking and lusting over hot young hairless gay boys? And seriously, I can't get an anal bleaching without the Brazilian, duh!

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