I feel myself sliding down deep into a hole. Hot, steamy, wet hole. So slick are the walls, I can't pull myself out. I move and I slip in it more, deeper, darker. Moaning is echoed. Muffled sounds from struggling. Wet with sweat, I come up for air and slide in more. I panic because I'm late for something. Time is slipping by. I should be somewhere else. Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting! Time is wasting. Death approaches and life should be lived now! My skin prickles, tingles with goosebumps, sparks of electricity shoot up my spine, weightless feeling of falling grips my groin... What pill can I take to make it all better? What book can I read to show me how to get out of this? What is the use of a book, without pictures or conversations? I'm gonna lose my head! It would be so nice if something made sense for a change. Someplace where the truth lies.
Today, no work, no bank, no mail... Well, it's not like I work everyday. Why am I so worn out at the end of the day, then? I'm getting old. Am old, I suppose. Ever find that odd hair on you that's thick and hard? I just tweezered one out that was as sharp as a cactus needle! Pulling it out was like prying up a railroad spike! I'm turning into Jeff Goldblum in, "The Fly," I can feel it! Don't feel old feel it in my head, or my body, really. It was pointed out to me, now that I can do 50 chin ups, that is was not that many days ago where I was unable to do a single chin up. So I can add that to my list of successful things. Things I have accomplished. Things I have conquered.
While my bank account has dwindled down terrifyingly close to the negative, thanks to their fees, I have a domino effect of things that suddenly need to be done. I take roughly 64 various vitamins a day and I have run out of A and D, the check engine light has come on in my car, I'm almost out of gas, my tires are losing their tread, my utilities are about to be disconnected, eviction is eminent, I'm washing clothes in the tub, I'm eating food from the fridge that I think has gone bad, several items I have thought would have sold and pulled me through, were listed on eBay, yet went without a single bid and the starting bid was one dollar. I could go on and on, I have a list here and just reading it and adding to it makes me feel like diarrhea is building up inside my gut.
I have stopped taking the Benedryl for my sinuses, because my friends Jessica and Kari both pointed out various medical information and personal experiences that lead them to think my lack of sleep, hand tremors, depression and other fun things could be due to excessive use. So now I can't breathe, but my hand is nearly rock steady, my aim is true and I won't miss if I have to...
It's been a week of jobs falling through, offers, inquiries, scams, teases, false hopes, false promises... Any seemingly real offer employment only takes me further away from where I need to be. I read that the U.S. would need to instantly create 10 Million jobs and fill them immediately to have us back to the level we were a year ago, and things were bad a year ago. I went on a job interview the other day where there were 480 people had applied for that one job.
If there ever was a hole I was falling down into, this rabbit hole is a deep one. To get out of the hole now would take a chuck of change. Not long ago, I would do the voice on one national tv spot or a movie trailer and that'd take care of it. I'd be flush, or above ground. Were are those jobs for me now?
I want so badly to move from my neighborhood! It's scary! Fights, robberies, drunks, vandalism... I guess you get what you pay for, and I can't even pay for it.
Went outside to get something out of my car and it was covered in lil' bottle rocket sticks, shredded firecracker wrapping, gunpowder ash and stuck to the rear window for all to see... a used condom! I guess fireworks weren't the only things to have shot off last night!
In all the stress of living here, my situation, I get nostalgic for the simpler times, movies of my youth, books I already read when I was young, romance from my younger days, music I grew up on... I took a break from doing the crap I do so I feel busy, and instead watched a movie. Found "The Way We Were" on YouTube, the whole movie for free. I LOVE this film! I wish you had been here! We could have had snacks and drinks before making our own fireworks!
My favorite scene is when he's leaving from her apartment after sleeping his drunk off and he says, "Sorry about my snoring" and she goes, "Oh, I love the snoring" that right there is the personification of the perfect woman.
I couldn't watch the end, I wanted to stop it close, but not the end. I couldn't bare it. I want it to go on, be happy, be forever, always… with you.
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