I have to tell you, I was scared!

I was scared I'd be scarred!

I had this flesh-eating fungus chewing away at the skin of my pretty bottom all the way up under my jumblies and around to my sexy boy business! My skin was cracked, peeling, bleeding… It was something awful!

But now, either thanks to the various churches that offered to add my penis to their prayer lists, (that is very true, by the way!) or through the antibiotics, or possibly this super-strength prescription lotion fortified with steroids, my sexy boy business is now better than ever!

Everyday I wake up and the first thing I do is check my jimmy. Always have! Lately, I would and seeing the messed my poor thing was in, would ruin my day. I even had a woman tell me, "It's okay, Jerry. I'll still love you no matter what happens. Your wang isn't that important."

Like it really was gonna fall off. It looked like I would lose it!

But yesterday I woke up and it was like a snake that shed its skin! I held it in my hands and I wanted to cry. The new skin was soft and smooth and shiny and beautiful. I wanted to kiss it! I would have, too, but my back was sore. So I just cradled it in my arms.

I believe it actually looks better than before! It's like having a new model! It's sleek and aerodynamic and has that new car smell! I can't wait to take it out for a test drive! See what the girls think!

It's like maybe it was a good thing? It sure looks awesome! Truly prettier than before! It was like it went through a makeover! I've been dying to show people! If you email me, I'll send you a photo of it!

I know what you're thinking!

"Yes, please do send me those photos, but let me ask you this, Jerry, 'Do you think someone put a curse on your pecker?'"

I did think that! Many, many, many people seem to want to cause me harm. I dunno why? I'm so sweet! I hear it's jealousy.

"Jerry, I know it wasn't sexually transmitted, but do you think this yeast infection will keep you from drinking beer or eating bread again?"

Yes, I do! Even though I never drank beer before, I will no longer eat fresh baked bread, but this will in no way inhibit me from having sex with a drunk girl.

Thanks to social networks like Facebook old girlfriends I hadn't talked to in years have added me and tell me sweet things like, "Jerry, you really were one of my first boyfriends, so I believed all guys would be just as well endowed as you, but I was wrong! I should have kept you! I didn't know what I had in my grasp."

Most of these old flames are married now with kids, so it's cool to hear that, because they wouldn't have needed to say it, like what do they have to gain from telling me that? They have no agenda! They just wanted to get it off their chests. Obviously they've thought long and hard about it over the years!

I keep a file of letters from women whenever my meat is mentioned, in a folder titled: Saturn 5

When I thought I was gonna lose my wiener I started reading through some of them to calm me and found these sweet spirit-boosting gems from random gals.

"Jerry, while you were sleeping I was holding it and resting my face against it and you flinched from dreaming and I asked you what you were dreaming about and you said, 'Enchiladas!'"

"Whenever I'm at work or stuck in a meeting, I think about how heavy it feels in my hands, the sheer weight of it, the girth, how much I love it and how badly I need it and the feeling makes me want to go on a shotgun rampage throughout my office picking off coworkers. Is that bad?"

"Jerry, you told me last night you think all women are trained by their mothers to always compliment a man on the size of his penis, so you couldn't trust me when I told you the truth about yours. I want you to know I grew up in an orphanage. I've never been able to tell that to anybody. I know its nothing to be ashamed of, but I thought you should know that and that your cock is huge!"

Well, it's true. I think women are told my their mothers to make their men think they're big down there. Maybe not all women, I know that's a generalization, but somehow I've found every women I've been with probably had that conversation with their mother, because they've all said the exact same thing. Coincidence? I think not.

Posted via email from jerrylentz's posterous