I've spent the last few days staying in one hotel. I don't have the money to spare. Felt like I needed a break. It was so wonderful to fill the tub with hot water and soak for over an hour. It was like I was in my own space. I wasn't a burden to anyone. No one was stressed out because of me. I didn't have to tip toe around eggshells. I could just be me. By myself. Writing. Listening to music. Sleeping. Snoring without worry that I would be disturbing anyone by doing so.
Several of my friends have been worried about me. Tonight I tried sleeping in my car. A couple of my friends got very angry when I refused their assistance. Repeated phone calls were made to me. Demands were ignored. Tears were shed. And I was heartbroken. Heartbroken that I would allow this to happen to me.
I've been brushing it off as if I were just camping. I was pretending to myself that it would be okay. Being macho, tough about it, sucking it up and being stupid. It didn't take long for it to become dangerous.
Sitting in my front seat, as I'm doing now, but parked in a different parking lot, in front of a Walmart. My car was off in a secluded and empty part. Since everything I own is packed away inside my little car there is no room to let my seat back, so I've been trying to sleep sitting up. It's very uncomfortable, but I've done it on airplanes.
Just as I was almost nodding off a big car with dark windows and thumping music emanating from inside pulls up next to me and just sits there with their engine running. They could've parked anywhere in the parking lot but they parked right next to me and just sat there for the longest time.
After about five excruciating minutes I started my engine and drove away to the empty parking lot that I'm sitting in now. One that thankfully has Wi-Fi.
It was a good drive and gave my engine a chance to heat up. I need some heat. Even though the temperature gauge says it's 31° it feels so much more colder than that. All my windows are fogged up now. I'm trying to type with gloves on. I'm so thankful this laptop is warm.
I don't know how to survive this winter!
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