These last 20 years or so, I find the things I thought I wanted to be painful to have. Seems the happiness I want is like a star I'm trying to reach. It's illuminated joy is surrounded by needle sharp flares radiating out keeping me from touching nirvana. I can see it, here the music it makes, imagine what experiencing it and the pleasure of being near it might possibly be, but then I fear the pain it can bring. I have to force myself to turn away. I make excuses for why I have to shield my eyes from it's blinding light. I want to be part of it, but I can never be there. I will always be separate. The light lands on me, but never penetrates. It creates my shadow instead. I turn and embrace the darkness, my shadow, for it binds itself to me like a dark warm blanket. It is familiar. It is my security. I feel safer being alone with it. Nothing can hurt me here but me.
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