Watch out!

Yesterday, I was just out riding with my young teen friend so she can get her driver's license and I was offering some advice about letting the wheel slide through your fingers after a smooth turn, "Marilyn, imagine the car is a beautiful woman and you are caressing her gently with your fingers..." She made a distressed look and said, "What? Are you talking to me?" Maybe I'm not the best teacher.

I get my MacBook Pro back, but now I don't have the cable to go to the external harddrive, and I don't have a cable to go from the laptop to my Sony DV camera! How am I ever gonna finish my video documentary, my Acting Workshop films, or edit and post the most awesome Marriage Proposal I've ever been involved with? Tell me! These hurdles keep coming at me!

I just got flashed by a young woman! Nice! I was pulling around a new Hobby Lobby to see if they were open and this gal was running to her car in the rain. I was trying to avoid splashing her and avoid hitting her car door as she opened it up, when suddenly she lifted her tshirt to wipe her wet face... No bra! Free booby show! My gloomy day has turned around. Aww... Life's rich pageant.

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Spent the day riding around!

The sun was out and I was feeling great! Jessica's bike needed air in the tires and I was having difficulty getting air as my allergies were making it hard to breathe, but I wasn't letting it stop me from having fun. And fun I was having! Other than the fun on Jessica's bike, we rode around to thrift stores, grocery stores and I have been riding around with her daughter who is practicing for her driver's license, so last night I got to head out on the dark streets because she needed to learn to navigate the McDonald's drive-thru so she can get her damn fries!

I dread the drive back to where I'm staying, because I love being with these girls so much! Someday soon I hope to spend every day with them, but I know I will grow old fast because when I'm with Jessica time races by me.

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I want to eat you so bad!

You'd think I was a cannibal the way I act around her! I can't get enough! My appetite is voracious! She's my favorite dish! Sometimes when I hold her hand I'll find that I am chewing on her fingers. She doesn't seem to mind, even enjoys it, but I am completely unconscious of it until she pulls her hand away from my mouth to turn the steering wheel or type. I feel embarrassed by it when I realize I'm all over her. It's so unlike me to manhandle. It's a good thing she is an awesome seamstress and can repair ripped zippers and reattach buttons because I'm constantly tearing her clothes off. Maybe I am a monster. I didn't used to be, but somehow she brings out this hungry beast, this dinosaur that is worried his time is running out. Extinction is on arrival, the meteors are falling, the volcano is spewing its hot ejecta and she is staring at me with that look that kills me.

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Look, I'm feeling hopeful that today might just turn out terrific! Well, I just hope my perception of it will. I'm thinking positively, but maybe I shouldn't think at all, come to think of it. Oh forget it! I'm going back to bed, watch, "Valley of the Dolls" and dream!

I'm bound and determined to make today a great day even if I have to put a choke-hold on it, de-pants it and spank it into submission!

If anyone has any old photographs, bumperstickers or recordings from this station I used to work at, please let me know! Rarely do I have fond memories of a radio station I've worked at, because most of the time I was either fired, laid off, sued, ripped off, or publicly humiliated, but this station was very kind to me.

Here's a radio promo I wrote and voiced with my friend, Jerome. Word on the street is, "Jerry, expect another Addy Award!" So I can't wait!


Just finished reading Dick Cavett's book, "Talk Show" and Michael Caine's, "The Elephant to Hollywood" back to back and enjoyed both very much.

I want to thank those who took the time to submit me to the John D. & Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, MacArthur Fellowship! Awesome!

She's making a list of Wedding invites and I'm making...

...a list of those that I not only don't want to invite, but would love to see dead! I'm weeding people from my life that bum me out! Don't bum me out! If I finally have something happy going on in my world, don't try and piss me off. I have the ability to forget you like that! (snaps fingers) I'm bound and determined to make today a great day even if I have to put a choke-hold on it, de-pants it and spank it into submission!

This old school friend of Jessica's tries to start a chat me up on Facebook asking, "Where's the big event going to be held?"

How can I pass this up? So I say, "In my pants."

This bitch goes, "I'll let Jessica know. You are blocked."

I know what you are thinking; Is this idiot still in high school? I don't think so. Well, I think Jessica knows where the big event is gonna be held. I couldn't believe I let this piece of shit excuse for a 'Bama Belle ruined my whole week. So Jessica tells me, "Oh, she just misunderstood." Meaning, Jessica is probably inviting her to the most important day of my life. There it goes. My day will be ruined if I see her.

She isn't the only one, either! They are coming out of the wood-works, these mean, bitter, pathetic creatures that feed on the misery they've created for others, so they can sit back and wallow in the pain they've caused to people who were only looking for some happiness in these days so difficult to find it in.

Immediately, I start thinking "Well, if they are coming I'll invite people Jessica doesn't like," however, Jessica gets along with everyone, even people that have abused her in the past. I wish I were as forgiving, but I'm just not the angel she is.

I think I may be, The Devil.

I want bad to come to those that hurt me and have hurt those I love. I would like to have some people I know atomized by a jet engine! Now, I have no need to get my hands dirty or get my hair mussed, because I know a beautiful young female assassin that is well versed in the art of painful death. Thanks to being with Jessica, I have met her and have come to know her and her mad skills. I may have to call upon her services because my list of non-invites is getting longer than the wedding invites.

Maybe I need to hold a wedding for those lowlifes to, "Wed the Angel of Death!"

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I can't breathe!

My fiance stripped down to her small smart panties as I folded her clothes and placed them on my lap. The nurse proceeded with the sonogram.

On the monitor it looked like some alien landscape. Data from a probe falling into some distant atmosphere. Eerie and hauntingly gorgeous in crisp black and white video, I find my love as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.

I knew this all along of course, but the images, like rorschach paintings hanging in some lost and mysterious necronomicon nailed the facts shut.

The nurse left the room, the inner camera obscura theatre was dark and empty but for us and I warmed some water, soaked a wash cloth and wiped the slippery goo from her long thin body.

All is well.

It was a strange day, wet, gloomy, misty with fog, halos around streetlamps and headlights. The five females, being her family and myself walked with a cart through Sam's Club as they picked and discussed what items every wedding must have no matter how frugal the couple tying the knot may be and shoestring the budget.

Several times my eyes glazed over.

"Why am I here? I don't seem to be needed."

Several times I found them all huddled in a tight circle, closed with their backs to me discussing in murmurs while I stood alone on the outside.

"I'm not needed. This is not my place."

Several times I wondered as I ate a Tickle Me Elmo cupcake with bright Blue and surely carcinogenic frosting that stained my lips like a man drowned in murky water and dead from lack of oxygen, "Can I really make this work? Can I be what she and her daughters want and need? Am I just some sad clown that will only bring her down? Can she be happy and stress free with me in her life? That's what I want for her, happiness, but is it possible?"

Earlier I had found a card. I wrote in it and hid it in a bag of silly gifts that I picked out for her and the girls. Later she called me from her bed just before bedtime telling me how she enjoyed the card. It was a Happy 50th Anniversary card and I wrote in it as if it were the year 2061, she seemed to enjoy it.

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You're so bad!

Since my MacBook Pro is still not here, (arriving by FedEx Friday!) downloading Porn has been nearly impossible, so I've had to resort to using my imagination. Here's just a few things I've been thinking about that have been real hot thoughts for me; My upcoming Wedding Night. Finally losing my Virginity. The hot looking Bridesmaids. And watching porn with my new wife!

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Looking to be back on Tee Vee soon!

Been talking with Fox and ABC about a 30 min show. I've been kicking around the idea and have been talking with possible sponsors. I even went on Facebook to announce it and ask for feedback on creating an awesome title for the show. This is just some of what I got:

Zed Null ‎1) Food For Thought! 2) 30 Minutes 3) Just Thirty Minutes 4) It's Jerry! 5) Just Half With Jerry Lentz.

Meredith Susan Stanley Obviously a title that has dual meaning like "The Most Satisfying 30 minutes of your life!"

Tim Lucas Four ideas for the price of none:

DON'T LENTZ ME IN
JERRY... SO VERY
JERONIMO!

GO DIRECTLY TO J.L. - DO NOT COLLECT $200.

Now maybe my Facebook friends will even hook me up with advertisers?

Be my Facebook Friend and see what all the fuss is about! Add me NOW! http://www.facebook.com/jerrylentz

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These last days have been amazing!

I wish there was more I could tell you, but my mind is buzzing and my thoughts are blurred and soft focused. There's static in my head and I feel sparks shooting out and radiating all around me. I'm not sure what it all is, but it feels good, amazing actually and I hope it never goes away.

Even with all that's been happening, there was a sad moment, a bad thing that happened and she was there with me when it did. It seemed to want to crush me, to kill my buzz, but she looked at me and said, "It doesn't matter," and I could instantly see she was right. It doesn't.

That's what we all need is that person that can say that in a way we believe and know it to be true and move on with what really is important.

And the way I feel tonight
I could die and wouldn't mind
And there's something going on inside
Makes you wanna feel
Makes you wanna try
Makes you wanna blow the stars from the sky

Today I drove around with my "friend" Jessica (see previous post) looking at the different places we used to hangout at as kids. We took pictures. We talked to people about the past and people from our past. We met new people. Got invited as VIP Guests to a huge event at the Opry House. We ate, laughed, cried, giggled... Time flew by.

I wanted so badly to hang on to it and make sure nothing slipped by without feeling it, experiencing it, but time... Holding it is like trying to hold water in your grip.

Today I asked the girl I've always loved to marry me!

There is video evidence of the event and as soon as my MacBook Pro comes back to me you will see the proof in all it's romantic glory.

It was amazing and awesome if I do say so myself, but you will have to wait to see if she said, "Yes!"

There are some things that need changing!

I was in a very weird mood today! I was trying not to live in the past, but I've been having troubles with horrible dreams. The dreams obviously mean I'm going through some heavy processing. They all have elements of my past. People I used to know. Things I did in the past. Things I wish I could change. The dreams are horrible examples of my worst fears realized. I want them to go away so bad!

There was a time I used to want to have kids of my own, but something has changed. Now I think my sperm was meant other things, like tissue, abdomens, backs, open mouths, faces...

Just got my ass pinched again tonight! I hate that! She acted all shocked and said, "Oh, I thought you were someone else." Riiiight. I guess it's sweet, isn't it? Maybe she wanted to surprise her man and instead it was me. But I have a nervous nature and when she did it, I was so startled I almost farted. That would have taught her a lesson!

Last night I dreamed a Facebook Friend ask me to marry her! Like that could ever happen! The dream should have been a happy one, but it was another nightmare. I don't know what I did to make myself dream such awful things, but it's driving me crazy. Am I paying off some bad karma? Did I do something in a past life that needs fixing? I need some past life regression, get some names and numbers, hop in a time machine, go back in time, kick some friggin' ass and straighten this shit out!

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It gets so hard sometimes.

These last 20 years or so, I find the things I thought I wanted to be painful to have. Seems the happiness I want is like a star I'm trying to reach. It's illuminated joy is surrounded by needle sharp flares radiating out keeping me from touching nirvana. I can see it, here the music it makes, imagine what experiencing it and the pleasure of being near it might possibly be, but then I fear the pain it can bring. I have to force myself to turn away. I make excuses for why I have to shield my eyes from it's blinding light. I want to be part of it, but I can never be there. I will always be separate. The light lands on me, but never penetrates. It creates my shadow instead. I turn and embrace the darkness, my shadow, for it binds itself to me like a dark warm blanket. It is familiar. It is my security. I feel safer being alone with it. Nothing can hurt me here but me.

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We were all feeling a bit shagged and fagged and fashed, it being a night of no small expenditure.

Sleeping in my car I had to pee really bad, but because it was raining and I didn't want to get wet, I reached into the back and found an empty plastic chocolate milk bottle to squirt in. Panic hit when it filled up, almost overflowing and like Laura Petrie getting her toe stuck in the bathtub faucet on The Dick Van Dyke Show, I got stuck in the mouth of the bottle. If I hadn't started thinking about you, it wouldn't have happened. See what you do to me?
While driving in the rain tonight I thought up the most brilliant thing I could post here, you would have loved it, there woulda been lots of comments and emails on it, but when I began hydroplaning on a bridge next to a big tractor trailer I forgot all about it. I'll try and remember it once the shock wears off.
It's raining and my allergies are killing me! I need to have my head vacuumed! These last few nights of sleeping have been horrible! One bad dream after another. When will it end? I'm getting to be afraid of sleep!
Watched "Citizen Kane" again and was surprise about the amount of full frontal nudity I had missed in the previous viewings. My favorite thing about it is, Kane died with Rosebud on his lips... Get it?
Watching "A Clockwork Orange" again, I was thinking of the ol' in/out, in/out. Maybe later I'll partake in a bit of the ol' ultraviolence. It's far easier to engage in ultraviolence than it is to dip into the old in/out in/out, sadly.
I've been looking at dance videos a lot lately to help a friend find a wedding dance, also I was just approached to be in a production of "Footloose" so dancing has been on my mind lately. This is a fun video! Try and see if you can name all these movies as you watch.

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I can't breathe for all the fur!

I'm having the worst allergy attack ever! These last few days I've been staying, thanks to a friend, at a Cat Hotel. It's really a home for cats and one really old dog. The dog is so old they can't bathe it for fear the weight of the water will crumble it's weak bones. Poor thing. So she has a very strong odor. The cats seem clean, but there is fur everywhere including my lungs. Still, they are sweet kitties. Much better than sleeping in the dog kennel I'm been crashing in, where I am hated by the little barking terriers. They bark nonstop. Seriously, who wants little tiny nervous dogs barking all the time? I'm not a pet person anymore. I think fish are the better way to go, but then only as a screensaver or a fishstick. I'm still rather fond of sea-monkeys as a pet, or better yet, a Penthouse Pet!

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I should get an award!

Today I helped out a young friend who is learning to drive, where's my award? You know, I have survived a week that included cold nights sleeping in a car, irritating medical conditions, horribly offensive email messages from angry and bitter people, letters demanding money from the IRS, sarcastic jokes at my expense by friends of friends, life without my MacBook Pro, getting banned from a radio station... where's my award?

Life can be so tough, so tonight I'm gonna kickback after an awesome home cooked meal with friends, watch the Golden Globes and drink frozen daiquiris in our pajamas.

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My friends seem to be narcoleptics.

On a date last night with a girl (who shall be nameless) and I was showing her one of my favorite films, "Citizen Kane" and we hadn't even got into it when I realized she was out cold. Sure, she coulda been tired. Sure, she coulda been exhausted from work. Sure, she coulda put the Rohypnol in the wrong drink.

You know what? I think I'm boring.

I don't get it. I'm exciting. I've always got a lot going on even if I'm homeless and living in my car. I just did a major TV commercial. I just had an interview with Fox about hosting a talkshow. I talked with a woman that's very interested in editing my new book. People I meet seem to think I'm something. Even though I'm broke and broken.

Guess I'm just not used to a chick passing out on me before I have sex with her.

Messaged a friend while she was unconscious and he said, "Jerry, face it... You're getting older so some of the people you bang are getting older too. Most of these Golden Girls just can't keep up with you."

I didn't like where his head was at, because while I know I have unbelievable staying power, it saddens me to think if I'm to ever find my female equal, she's going to have to be much much younger. Even though it seems I'm constantly approached by girls in their late teens and early 20's I rarely take them up on their offers because I just can't have sex with a girl that doesn't share the same interests as me. Sorry. I like to talk after sex. Discuss things while cuddling.

People I talk with on this kinda thing just don't get what I'm talking about. There was a Doctor I was seeing back in LA and he told me, "Jerry, if a young girl is engaged in sexual intercourse with you, either as a replacement for a daddy figure, a lack of positive males, or simply because she likes you, is it really important that she knows and understands pop-culture from your formative era? Can't you enjoy it just because she's a hot piece of ass that wants you to be the one slipping her the stones?"

Orson Welles, 25 years old and buried in the makeup and padded clothes of the old Kane tears apart Susan Alexander Kane's bedroom on the screen as I think I too am a young man in an old man's body. Thinking this for some time I roll over, sleep and dream I'm directing my own movie of a young woman at a vanity painting her nails as a pistol sits in an open drawer waiting to be used by her. Suddenly a young woman stands before me in tall black boots, black panties and a leather bustier waiting for my direction and when I hesitate for too long, she begins to improvise all on her own.

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Not that I'm all anal, but...

Here are a few things I need to get out of my system. If you are sensitive about the butt, this shit I'm about to drop on you might upset you, so please pass on this.

As you may have read in previous adventures on this page I have been dealing with a terrible yeast infection seemingly brought on by my use of antibiotics for other horrible ailments. Every time I think it's gone, it comes back with a vengeance. I was informed by some other sufferers that I should just go to the "Lady Business" section of Walmart and buy one of those Monistat 1 Day treatments. So I did. Then later that night I read the instructions and every time "vagina" was mentioned I mentally replaced it with, "butthole."

I begin. I tear open the package of medical magic and spill the contents onto the instructions. On my knees, all clothes removed, beautifully smooth and tight, round ass up in the air, long, thick PVC pipe with plunger filled with yeast fighting goo ready to shove up my sweet donut, I'm counting down and ready to do it to myself when my friend, who is letting me spend the night there walks in. I know I must have looked like Richard Gere getting a gerbil enema, but without the gerbil or the Richard Gere, of course.

"Oh. Gee. I'm sorry. I just wanted to see if you needed a nightcap, more blankets, sheets or anything. Well... Goodnight."

I hope it works, cause I'm tired of feeling like my bowels are a micro brewery, but I love smelling like a bakery and the chicks dig that.

Today I was thinking about how every woman I've known has loved anal sex, they'd open up to me and tell me about how they learned how to have it done, the proper way, the painful first times, the joy of it, how their lovers wouldn't give it to them, but how they wanted it and finally figured out how to get it...

"Jerry, to get it in, a girl or boy has to act like they are about to poop, but DON'T POOP because that wouldn't be cool and the dude might not like it, unless he likes that sorta thing. The poop chute then opens up like the pretty mouth on a tunnel of love ride, but you better have that pole greased or it's gonna be a rough dance!" - Ass Aficionado and Star of "Butt Bang Beauties 9" and "Derriere Debutantes"

I know a woman now that has had it with past lovers, but says she would under no circumstances do it with her current boyfriend because she thinks he's too well endowed. I told her I bet he feels bad that she's giving her hole up to all those other men, but she rejects his member and allows no entrance into her potty palace. She just shrugs and says, "Ehh... Too bad for him. That's the price he has to pay for having a big fat knob."

Sad.

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I wonder if my words mean anything at all to you?

In my email a friend sent me an article about a very good writer who has given up on traditional publishing and now focuses his attention and writing strictly on ebooks. He is closely approaching a yearly income of $250,000! There are a few other writers I really enjoy that are also doing the same thing. One writer makes... Get this... 10 Million... Ready? $10 Million a MONTH! Just focusing his energies on ebook publishing!

I've been writing for a long time. Years! Haven't done a thing with all my work. Well, I soon will! I have an ebook and traditional book publisher I'm gonna use, I have an awesome cover artist, and I have the words! I know some of the words are dirty, but I hope you will venture with me as I begin the process of putting my books out there into the world.

Thanks,
Jerry

You must visit:
http://www.jerrylentz.com/
http://tinyurl.com/yb885xt
http://www.facebook.com/jerrylentz
http://www.jerrylentz.com/podcast/podcast.xml

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As you may know there was a brief time in my life where I was working on erotic films (or whatever) and I met some pretty cool people. Well one girl contacted me recently and wondered if I'd be interested in helping her with her new video label. She sent me some ideas and the mock up for a few of her DVDs and a few clips. The guy she's got doing her cover art rocks! His work is amazing! I've written about this girl before in these pages and she is a pretty cool chick. I think I may have shot her very first video. Now she's taking some of her money and striking out on her own. She's a tough gal.

I was responding to another email from a mutual friend who is now going to be acting with her and I accidentally sent it to the wrong email address. It went to the absolutely worst address I could think of, but somehow it's all worked out and I didn't get in trouble, actually it turned out kinda cool. I wasn't on my MacBook Pro, but on a friend's PC so I was thrown off a little and the auto-fill addy thing in Yahoo Mail plopped in the wrong address. Yikes! But I got an amazing response!

Lately, several people have asked if I would be interested in putting out an iPhone App that would allow you to stream my radio program and much of my other content, I would very much and knowing the genius friends I have here, maybe someone can help create just that?

I was lucky enough to be standing next to a group of gun lovers at Walmart, one said, "If everyone in Tucson had be carrying a gun they coulda shot that guy before he did anything!" Another one, "Even that 9 year old girl?" Him again, "Hell yeah, I was shootin' deer when I was 7!" You can't argue with that! I mean, you could, but it'd be silly to do so.

‎"You can take my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands!" Okay! But what if they's be Gun-Lovin' Zombies who are already dead?

I was looking at a book about the meaning of names and I couldn't believe all the cool things it said about my name! I know it was a bit vague, but they nailed me correctly on many things. Told me I was gonna be wealthy. It said I was a communicator with interests in film, radio and books. It even told me what things might derail me from the road to happiness. How does your name make any difference to your future?

It didn't say anything about me doing porn, though!

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I was talking to my parole officer the other day and...

...he said, "Have you been working on anything productive to get you out of this state?"

"The state of Alabama?"

"No, this state of depression you are currently in at this moment."

"Well, I came up with an idea for a sitcom about a lonely guy that has been laid off 5 or 6 times, lives in his car and sometimes thanks to friends, sleeps in a dog kennel. He moves back to the small town he grew up and finds the girl of his dreams that he's always loved since a teen. She has two teen daughters from two previous marriages, she owns a home that her ex-husband still lives in while she and the girls live with her mom and step-dad. She wants to marry him, but he has no money coming in, smells like dog poop and he lives in his car. He wants her to be happy and is worried he can't provide the quality of life she and her kids deserve. So then..."

My parole officer, Vince interrupts, "Look Lentz, I watch a lot of TV, good and bad. My favorite shows are, "House" "Hawaii Five-O" and "Doctor Who." Now I've sat through some shitty shows, but I can tell you right now, I would not watch that show you just described. So really, have you been working on anything productive to get you out of this state?"

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She said, "Jerry, you turn me on!"

I was nearly arrested yesterday when I was using the Library computer to check an email from a friend that contained a pdf about "How to add 3 inches to your Penis in 4 Weeks through Ancient Chinese Massage Methods" and I forgot where I was, but I only had my pants down for a minute. Close call, though!

Today really feels like a Sunday! I wish I had some friends to play hide and go seek with, or pull out all the 45s and play records, or watch monster movies, have grilled cheese sammiches and tomato soup, eat freshly baked chocolate chip cookies with milk, or help build a time machine... Something. Anything. I'm so bored here!

The cats keep following, jumping up on my lap and nibbling on me. It must be all the Omega 3 Fish Oil I've been taking!

I don't want to wake up! In fact, I'm not awake as I type this. I believe I have left my body and it is still in the bed where it is warm. I am typing this by possessing the body of a young Starbucks customer who thought they were playing Farmville. I must leave their body soon, but wonders what things could I have them do before I go?

Maybe I could have them call the radio station at 334-712-9233 and ask, "When is Jerry Lentz going to be back on the radio with Jerome?" Just to see what they'd say.

Note to Self; When sending an angry email with expletives to some asshole, don't do it from a public computer that has Net Nanny installed on it because the #### won't understand #### because the ####### software censors your stuff! Even my blog the other day was censored because I posted from a computer that had that crap on it. My brain needs a Net Nanny to make sure all my thoughts are pure and positive!

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It just occured to me how dangerous she is.

She scrambles my thoughts. I get nervous around her. I can't see straight when she's near. I can't sleep for thinking of her. When I dream it's of her. When I see her walking toward me my heart pounds hard. When she sneaks up behind me I am startled and my heart stops. When she looks at me in a certain way with a slightly crooked smile wild thoughts erupt through the surface and escape. When she slyly hands me a perfumed letter she's written, and I'm surrounded by people and it looks like secret documents being passed from spy to spy... She knows what she's doing. She's a thief. She has broken in and stolen from me. She's installed some sort of mind virus, encrypted some love spell and unlocked the bolts that seal the cold steel vault door to my heart.

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So many choices! Yet, they all look like deadends to me.

Got an unsweetened iced tea instead of a rum and coke. Got down on my knee to tie my shoelace instead of propose marriage. Fantasized about a girl I've loved instead of going to the titty bar. All these choices in life make it so hard to go on! I'm gonna drug up and go to bed early and hope I have good dreams! Can you recommend a drug that I could take that might help me ignore negative people?

Thinking of running away for a few weeks to see if my head clears and I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I hope I get some real answers. Maybe there will be good ideas with some real possibilities. People tell me all the time, "If you aren't happy where you are, you won't be happy anywhere," and I don't think that's all that true with me, because I have been happy in certain places. Travel awakens things in me. It opens me up somehow. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

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This blows!

I was watching "Carrie" with a friend and her family on IFC last night. Her girls hadn't seen it. I love Brian DePalma and hoped they'd enjoy it, too. I used to work for IFC and we were all cinema fanatics and had great respect for the filmmakers, so I was upset when IFC cut to a commercial break in the middle of an awesome long camera move that reveals the bucket of pig's blood. I just couldn't believe it!
Anyway, I was on one earbud and my friend was on another and I was playing her the audio from my appearance on a local radio station from the other day as her kids were watching, "Carrie" so suddenly the scene of Nancy Allen giving John Travolta a ######## pops up. I was wondering how the 12 year old was going to react and how her mother was going to explain. Maybe she didn't need to. Maybe kids are way more advanced these days than when I was young. I watched the mom's eyes look over at her daughter, the daughter's eyes looked at her, the mom's eyes scanned over to mine, I look at the daughter's eyes, then she looks over at me... Who was gonna be the first to speak? What could be said? I thought for a moment as my mind raced over the possibilities.

"Her contact lens fell into his lap and she's near sighted and looking for it."

"He has a loose thread on his jeans and she's biting it off."

"She loves kielbasa and he's hidden one in his pants, that's all honey!"

Nothing was said or explained and we returned to the sound of my voice and the mp3s of me on the radio. Some people that listened that morning have added me as a friend on Facebook and that made me feel so good, but today my friend, Jerome who is the one who asked me to do the show told me that the General Manager came and told him that he didn't want me on the air at the station. It seems he likes his radio station to sound redneck and retarded and I didn't fit that sound. He just loves to have his radio stations to suck!

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I felt her feathers brush across my face and chest like strands of long soft hair.

Had a dream that the most beautiful girl in the world floated down through the ceiling, crawled slowly into bed, slid up next to me where I could feel her warm nude flesh against mine, laid her leg across my stomach and gently put her wet tongue in my ear, then whispered, "I came for you."

This got me thinking about all the angels I have in my life right now.

When I thought things were at their worst and looked to be like there would be no way for me to go on and maybe it all would possibly end, an angel would appear. Some of the angels I knew, some and possibly the most generous ones were complete strangers. Some could simply look at me and tell things were not going right for me. Yesterday an angel disguised as a waitress walked over and hugged me and simply said, "I know." Then she gave me a plate of food that I didn't order and told me, "There's no charge on this sweetheart, we all have to stick together."

One angel pretending to be a young 13 year old girl that followed me around a book store telling me all sorts of useful information about how magical and wonderful life is to distract me from my sadness.

One angel costumed as a night clerk at a hotel offering me free food and a room at no cost.

One angel clothed as a witty, dark and mysterious woman invests money in my ghost documentary.

One angel impersonates the bestest friend a lost and troubled man can have and gives him a place to sleep, a shower to use and an oasis of laughs and memories to ease the journey through the desert of bad luck and poor choices.

One angel who I've never met reads my stories and sends $300 to my PayPal account through the donate button on http://www.jerrylentz.com without the slightest hesitation to do so.

One angel time and time again comes to me as the most beautiful girl in the world. Once she was simply an image in an old photograph that appeared to me as I was about to do the most horrible of things to myself, then she rescues me with care packages of food, gas money, hugs, kisses, love, a place to sleep and truly the best escape of all. I know that the Kingdom of Heaven lies within me and at night when I am still and quiet I see her arranging flowers in the garden there and she is waiting for me to come inside.

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Listen to me and do what I say!

It's raining here. The lights are flickering. I'm under my quilt, the one my mother made for me when I was a lil' boy, but I'm too hot, so I've removed my undergarments. I'm reading a book and there was a loving passage that made me think of you; "She fell wet to her bed. The fur slid off the bed and onto the floor. The thin fabric of her gown clung to her skin. Her breasts heaving after the run through the rain. Wisps of steam rose along the entire length of her long slim body. She looked to the broken French door of the balcony and saw Lord Lentz standing there nude. His intense look, blazing eyes, and hardened wet body told her she would have to submit to his demands."

Starting the Tim Ferriss Slow Carb Diet... Wish me luck! I need to lose 63 more pounds and reach my goal of a negative 12% body fat, then I will have achieved Manorexia! I want to see veins on my hardened abs, because I hear those are the best veins to shoot up with heroin.

I was on the radio from 6-10am this morning! It was fun being back on the air in the town I did morning radio when I was a kid. Sitting in with my friend, Jerome and his cohost and TLC's "Bama Belles" star Amie Pollard.

http://www.kickin937.com/

The show was great! I hope you got to hear it, the streaming was knocked off due to the huge demand to hear it, but I will make the choice bits available as a podcast when I get my laptop back from the Apple Hospital.

I've been without my laptop for what seems like years. Borrowing friend's computers when I can. Going to the library and using theirs when I can. I am so
lost without my MacBook Pro that I was writing a letter with a pen on paper and
when I was finished I kept looking for the "SEND" button.

I was on a long drive last night. Dark. Raining. I kept falling asleep while behind the wheel. That's the worst feeling in the world! Luckily no one was killed. I was dead tired, but as soon as I pulled over to sleep... I was wide awake! Couldn't sleep at all. So, I start back to driving and then, I get sleepy all over again!

Just drove by the old theatre where I once performed. Nothing sadder than an old
empty theatre. I must put on a show!

At B&N this morning a cute 14 year old girl explained to me that yawning was contagious and if I yawned she too would yawn, so I said, "Aren't you glad it's yawns that are contagious and not farts?" She laughed, snorted and then punched me in the arm. Girls!

The elastic in my panties gave out earlier while I was at the store walking around. Maybe the weight on it may have been too much and it lost all structural support of the massive load it was carrying. Now it feels like I have tried to wear a big loose t-shirt as underwear and stuffed it into jeans. I think the superhero undies would have had the power. I have had luck with The Batman panties! They've been there for me when I've narrowly escaped tight places. These were old soft comfortable briefs that were more of a security blanket for me. I should have tossed them years ago, what with the holes and bleach spots and faded color, but these were lucky panties for me. These were the undies I wore when I won the Best Male Erotic Dancer Contest in Orlando, FL when I was 19 years old.

I've been asked and advised to offer these old drawers up for a charity auction. They will be washed and clean, plus framed and mounted with a signature and full authentication. I will announce the charity as soon as possible.

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Let me wash and dry you!

This morning I was putting on clean clothes from my duffel bag and emptying the contents of my pockets when I found the note. On New Years at a friend's family dinner they write wishes on notes and sit them under the dinner plates. The sweetest girl in the world wrote out her wish and after the dinner folded it up and slipped it to me. I found that wish again on the pink paper in the clothes she cleaned and folded for me. I lifted up the bag of clothes and hugged it imagining it was her. I tried to find her scent in the smell. I hoped for a loose strand of her hair to be caught and resting among the fabric. She lives far away, but something about seeing these clothes of mine washed and cleaned and folded so carefully and sweetly makes me want to jump in my car and drive to her, knock on her door, grab her, hug her, kiss her, and tear her clothes away from her... and after she has passed out I will roll to the side of her bed and look down to the floor and see our clothes together mingled there undressed and arranged by gravity.

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Man, it was cold as a witch's tit in my car this morning!

There was frost on the windshield and frost on the inside of the windows. I have been staying with friends, but I just hate to be a nuisance so I try and toughen up and camp out in the car when I can. I don't mind sleeping in the car when it's stormy or raining, because the sound of the water splashing the roof and the car kinda lulls me into a hypnotic state.

I was dreaming of finding an old southern mansion, all abandoned and full of ghosts. One that might need love that only I could provide. I'd somehow get it for free and get some kinda grant to fix it up. Work hard on it to bring it back to life. I'd make friends with the spirits inside and introduce them to the girls I'd want to have move in with me. I just know the ghosts would love them and protect them when I'm not around.

I think I dreamed this because I saw some very old houses when I was driving around looking for a place to park where I wouldn't be disturbed by villains or cops. I saw one that was amazing and you could tell no one had lived there in a 100 years, but as I was driving by, in the top floor window behind the twisted branches of that dead tree, I saw what looked like a woman looking back at me.

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Thanks for the hugs!

Thanks to some new friends, I can go to a local hotel and use this laptop as long as they are working and no one catches me. They've even allowed me to come in early and partake in the free breakfast and I'm not even a guest. I think that's pretty cool. People have been very good to me. Offering a place to live, offering homemade food, sending me money, hugging me, sending me sweet notes and phone calls. Posting on my website will be difficult until my MacBook comes back to me.

Maybe 2011 will be good to me. I hope it's good to all of us. I can't wait to be in a place where I can thank everyone for their help and help them when they need it.

Thanks,
Jerry
You must visit:
http://www.jerrylentz.com/
http://tinyurl.com/yb885xt
http://www.facebook.com/jerrylentz
http://www.jerrylentz.com/podcast/podcast.xml

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Please be gentle!

2011, if you are gonna be anything like 2010 I don't want anything to do with you. I won't acknowledge you, I won't write your name on checks, I'll ignore your days, weeks and months, too. But I must say, right now, for the record, and I hesitate saying this in fear that I'm speaking too soon...

Thank you for what you've brought me so far. Yesterday I simply wanted to die. I just wanted to runaway and die. It was horrible. The worst way to wake up ever. Yesterday was like the worst Twilight Zone nightmare one could have. I was William Shatner with a gremlin on the wing of my hopes and dreams and it was going down in a blizzard and if I survived I was sure as shooting going to be cannibalized. Yesterday perfectly capped off one of the worst fucking years in my life. So fuck you, 2010!

No, seriously. 2010, you can go fuck yourself!

Now, here is what I really wanted to tell you!

2011, I love you already! You gave me the best kiss, the best hug, the best..., then the best sleep, the best dream (the dream was one of the best ever, one where I could do anything I wanted and anything I wished for came true) the best way to wake up, too! I couldn't wait to wake up and tell you how beautiful 2011 has been for me, so far.

There are so many things I had planned for this 1st day in the start of the rest of my life. Those things are locked away in the scrambled data of my dead hard drive on my lonely and cold MacBook Pro boxed away and traveling in some UPS truck on it's way to repair.

This 1st day is delicate and must be savored and respected. I must try and praise it while doing what I have wanted to do in my lost plans. I must be aware of the passing hours and how precious they are as well as how fleeting they can be. This year will be better for me, I just feel it. I hope it is better for you, too. I hope we can have fun and do what we want and make this year a better time for us to live in. We have the chance to make this year a year future generations will look back on and wish they could have lived through it.

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