…but you had to ask for them.
Some people just can't stand it when I'm happy. I get some very horrible email. People can be so awful at times. They she that I'm down and they kick me. It makes them feel better. When someone helps me up by giving me a call, writing me a nice letter, patting me on the back, giving me a gift, leaving a sweet comment on my Facebook profile, or if they are in person, giving me a long hug. Then some mean persons hears this or reads about how I'm happy finally, they love to saw the floorboards out from under me and drop me to the basement.
I keep a folder of all the great letters I get from people. Many have been very accomplished and some very famous people. I think your mind might be blown if you knew the cool and intelligent people that have come across my writings, my videos, or my radio shows and contacted me with compliments. I know people are people, but still, I have to admit it's pretty awesome to hear kind and complimentary words coming from someone who writes the books you love, or makes the films that have inspired you. Also, I've received beautiful letters from young people who I just know will one day make a huge mark in culture and the arts. There have been some amazing letters from prisoners and people imprisoned by their countries government and people imprisoned in relationships they can't seem to find a way out of or escape. Something about me expressing my situations connects with others. We're all connected. I imagine the ones that get so angry at me and say such mean things are also affected by me on some deep level. It's like this bully I worked with years ago who constantly called me, "Fag" and "Queer" even though I wasn't and am not Gay. He did everything to convince people I was Gay. He even made up lies to a girl I was dating. The only friends that would ever come to my rescue were my gay friends who seemed to know the truth. Well, some years passed. Gosh, many years passed. I guess time flies. I got an invite to a party and when I arrived he was one of the many guests and after a few drinks he approached me and told me he had amazingly… "come out" and apologized saying he had been fighting his homosexuality his whole life and that he had been in fact attracted to me all that time and didn't know how to deal with his feelings.
Shocked, I said, "Oh my, I'm so glad you told me. I've been fantasizing about you for years! Follow me!" I took his hand and we walked down a path that ran along an ivy covered wall along the building where no one could see us. Illuminated by a string of christmas lights I said, "I want to see what I've been missing all this time. Pull your cock out." He undid his belt and hurriedly pull his white pants down and after a brief pause he excitedly pulled down his boxers. His penis was very small. Well, much smaller than mine and that's all I had to compare it to. I smiled and started to undo my pants all the while licking my lips. I could see he was starting to get hard.
"Jerry, you have no idea how many nights I jacked off thinking about getting you! Can I suck your dick? Right here, right now?"
With that, I hauled off and kicked him in the nuts with all that I had, but I know I pulled back because I thought with all the anger that had built up over the years from all the trauma and therapy, I thought this kick might actually kill him. He doubled over and began hopping while holding his swelling balls, as he turned away from me his pants and boxers were around his ankles. I put my foot on them and he fell face down on the ground. Then I grabbed the pants and pulled them off over his sandals and tossed both his stupid white pants and his Joe Boxers up and over the tall fence into the neighboring courtyard. I walked away leaving his crying naked ass writhing away.
I think about him and laugh every time I see his work. You might even know the faggot.
So you just never know about people. People can seem like they hate you and want to kill you, but really they just might want to suck your cock.
I can't believe I told you that story! I do think about that every time I hear about a bully, or someone being mean. Lately, people have been mean to me because I announced I was engaged, or they found out about it through my video where I proposed to my beautiful angel.
It's kinda sickening isn't it? All mushy and gross, right? We hate it when our friends find love, don't we? We instantly begin estimating how long it will last. We can't stand it. Look at my face in this picture. Look at that stupid face! What a fat baldheaded bastard he is! Think he's trying to smile? His teeth must be bad. Maybe some bully told him he had a stupid smile when he was a lil' boy. Maybe he's just looking at you and thinking you're a loser cause you ain't got what he's got. He's squinting his eyes like he's pulling one over on you. He's obviously hiding something. He seems criminal. He has to be a con artists. He's all about the hoax. You can plainly see that! Look at him sucking in that fat gut. He's about to pop a lung he's holding it in so long. What's with all the out of focus Photoshop bullshit? Is he hiding his age? Is this white background supposed to be Heaven? Makes you wanna scream at that poor girl and tell her to run! He looks so unsafe if you ask me. Why does he shave his head? Is he trying to hide the fact he's lost his hair? Is he all gray? Does he dye his goatee? Why does he have a goatee? Just so he can show you he has some hair? Why is he holding on to her so possessively? Is he trying to prove to us he's not gay? He's trying way too hard! I don't like it! I don't see what she sees in him? I can't believe I'm not getting invited to the wedding! I wasn't wanting to go anyway, except to help her escape.
That's my Angel Baby, right there. I am holding on to her because I am afraid I am so happy when I'm with her, that I will float away and I don't want to do that because I have a huge fear of heights. I'm also holding her because I've been wanting to hold her for so many years and now I finally get to when I can see her. I have to constantly touch her just so I know she's real and it's really happening.
Time moves fast, too fast when I'm trying my best to get to her, but when I think of her and what I'm going to do to her the first few hours I see her again, it slows down the jumble of thoughts in my mind, you know what I mean? It makes you focus on this moment and the things you say in this moment, just echo inside you and the more you focus on this moment, the more you feel in touch with yourself in a way that makes you feel even more at peace and more comfortable, as if this person’s energy feels like warm sunshine on your bare skin, like music that really touches your heart and puts you in touch with yourself in a way that lets time slow down, so that you can really appreciate and learn from, and share, and connect with this person… "Please sing to me, Jessica. Yours is the voice I always want to hear. Yours is the most beautiful sounding voice I've ever heard. Your thoughts, your ideas, your dreams... I want to hear them all, now!"
Sometimes someone’s presence is so soothing, it’s like a voice wraps around you and warms every part of you, like a soft robe or a blanket or the heat of a fire, or as if their presence is this warm, warm, warm sauna or bath into which you are letting yourself plunge all the way inside, the kind of bath which is so good, you want to empathize with it, because this pool of water has been made warm in order to have someone inside it, this experience is meant for you and you alone, right now and you feel how this bath needs to have someone come inside it and you know this experience is meant for you right now and you realize how much every part of you, even those parts you’ve forgotten about and whose needs you’ve been neglecting, is imagining and feeling and craving this experience, yearning to open up to this warmth and this embrace, to open up and feel the heat rush into every part of you and to feel whole and complete. I want to be the voice in your head, as yours is in mine.
Thinking about this now, with me, personally, I find this comfort, "loving you" is most important in that it allows your sense of possibility to spread wide, open up, like wings, like the covers of a book, an angel, you know? It’s like, with me, because you feel so comfortable, it’s as if your senses, your emotions, now feel things, wonderful things, more powerfully and good things go deeper inside you, emotionally, they touch you in new ways and the more of this comfort, you now feel with me... I mean, it’s like the more you feel yourself being touched, as if by a breeze, as if by sunlight, in a way which lets you feel open to a real connection with me, where I stand, it seems this kind of connection is like feeling everything that’s special inside you, like warm... pulsing... red... light... begins to reach out and penetrate into me... and everything that’s special about the person you truly love... like red... warm... pulsing energy... begins to penetrate you... enter you, through your heart, come inside you, fulfill you in a way that allows you to now open more completely, truly spread wide now. With me, this seems a beautiful experience, don’t you think so?
When you find yourself feeling this kind of comfort with me, I mean, my feeling is, you know, this comfort just surrounds you, embraces you, enfolds you, like a blanket or when you’re with... with me, it’s like when you’re with that special person and this person makes you feel warm and safe and because this person makes you feel so safe, you enjoy this, you enjoy opening up, you enjoy opening more and more. I tell myself, "This is right for you…" With me, this is what life is about. Can you feel this?
To me, it's like when I saw her painting, I imagined you feel yourself focusing on a color, or a leaf, or a petal, that really is a kind of door... deep inside you, and this door spreads open wide and you can feel yourself sending out energy. To me, when you send out this energy you feel excitement, you feel even more energy from this person. I feel it from her! It begins to come inside you and you feel a stronger and sense of possibility, a sense that you can feel this connection going deeper, deeper than you’d ever dreamed, warming you, nourishing you, it’s healing, refreshing. With me, you feel more and more connected. To me, it’s like you feel fibers of light, fibers of canvas, fibers and waves of energy connecting her to me, these fibers seem to go deeper and deeper inside. With me, it’s like these fibers, these strands are tying your heart to me, it’s like, these fibers make you feel more and more secure and safe and the more you open and feel this connection, feel this sense of possibility, like a flower spreading wide its petals to be filled by sunlight, or dipping a brush into it's soft petals, this connection, to me, seems like its making you feel closer and closer to this wonderful, magical person.
To me, this feeling of closeness is like a private world, like you and this person are inside a special, magical, glass sphere, a bubble and outside this sphere everything seems small and far away and commonplace, and inside you and this person you love so deeply, feel more and more connected together, fused, melted together, gently pressed, whole.
To me, this feeling is like knowing you are meant to open completely, share everything that’s special about you, you penetrate into the other person emotionally, as this person penetrates into you and you finally come into a whole new place, a place of golden colors, warm feelings, the smell of ocean, and cotton and cashmere mist, a sense of destiny, rightness... because this was meant to be... You… me, this is how I think about this. This can be Heaven on Earth.
