After a few hours of hard work photographing a beautiful fashion model, it's nice to get a kiss! I've known quite a few great photographers in my time. When you're with them you can see they're always working and thinking. They really are like fishermen ready to catch the next big image or idea. I find myself seeing things in a new way, or seeing things with an imaginary frame around them. I love the way light falls across folds in different fabrics, or the way it illuminates hair, or gives depth to the eyes. I love the way my friends can ask a total stranger if it's okay to take their photo. I have gotten pretty good over the years asking people to remove their clothes. Sometimes they even do it!
Watched the Royal Wedding in preparation for my own Wedding May 27th, which will be just like the Royal Wedding, but with less hats, less faggy accents, and by that, I mean, less "Harry Potter" sounding. Still, it would have been awesome if they'd played the Benny Hill music this morning.
I have to admit I got chocked up a bit. I even woke up Jessica so she could watch it with me. I'm such an anglophile.
Today was almost as awesome as it was last night! I'm spending the weekend with Jessica, Marilyn and Erin, but two of the three are sick. So Jessica and I took some fantastic photos today and I have to say, I think they look pretty great! I wish I could post some for you, but maybe later.
I used to be quite the photographer back in the day and Jessica's ex-husband who is a photographer, has taken so many wonderful photo of her that it's just impossible to compare. He really had a way it seems to get her to feel comfortable and relaxed in front of the camera.
I used to get models and everyday folk to open up, but he really had the magic touch with Jessica. I try, but it just isn't the same. The results are so far off. She knows what's good from her experiences with him and my style doesn't appear to be working well with her. I might just have to leave that to him or someone else and reassess my photography skills in another area and other subjects. There might be some slight breakdown in communication with her in this regard. I have several photos of her that he took and they have her very excited and relaxed and open to all sorts of cool poses, but my work with her comes across as stiff, cold and unflattering. I better just stick with taking pictures of myself.
Jessica has found her crack! I mean, her new addiction... ahem... Smokey Maple Syrup Bacon! I'm serious, she is in Valhalla! The house smells like an IHOP now!
Several people waiting around the print-shop positively commented on them and that made me feel really good! This is the back of it, too. I wanted it to look vintage and weathered because I feel we have known and loved each other before, in another time. And I don't just mean, 1984!
I dunno about this Obama Birth Certificate thing... It looks suspicious to me! Where is his footprints on it? Mine has my footprints on it, plus a small dot in between the footprints where something accidentally got dipped in the ink. I'd like to see his driver's license and his recent Netflix viewing habits, too!
Had it up to here! (points at area between earlobe and shoulder) I could go off on a rant about my life, the government, the Royal Wedding, the Taliban, but you'd just laugh and laugh and say, "Oh that Jerry Lentz! He makes me feel so good! He keeps giving me such pleasure! I find myself thinking of him all through the day and night! I love him so much! Jerry Lentz makes me horny! I want him so badly!" But then what?
Dang! I thought today was Friday! Oh well, what do I care, anyway...
Ya know... Nothing whatsoever makes me want to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides." Let me list why I hate these movies. I should say, I do love Johnny Depp, however... I hate the glamorization of thieves, rapists, murderers, alcoholics and pirates (being rapists and murderers of women, men and children as well thieves) I hate the beach, everyone one looks sweaty, you know they didn't brush their teeth, comb their hair, sand (I hate sand!) the smell of seafood and fish, I hate big bloated Hollywood movies made out of amusement rides and I hate people that dress up like pirates, too! It's so stupid and I wish them ill. There! I can't be the only one that feels this way, right?
Okay, I mean I hate seeing sand and beach in movies, but I do hate getting sand in my shorts, too! You know what I mean!
I think we are living in a society now that makes the perpetrator of crime the hero! We make the rapist manly and attractive and something to fantasize about! We make the thief a role model as we illegally pirate and download our music and movies and books! We make drunk driving possible by making it cool to drink! We make it cool to deform our bodies with tattoos when one of the biggest businesses now is tattoo removal! Our standards are being lowered and everyone knows it, but ignores it.
So you agree with me! Good!
Ya know, after my rant on my dislike of the "Pirate" movies... I might have to add the "Harry Potter" movies to my list of... Maybe not "dislikes" but my lists of "don't give a crap," cause they just don't interest me. I can't be the only one not into "Harry Potter" can I?
I'm happy kids have something to read now, with the books and all the other books that the market opened up for. I'm all for that! But...
I was at the Library in one of the numerous cubicles and I hear what sounds like might be a baby grunting, or someone with a disability trying to speak. I happen to turn around and I see a teen boy and a teen girl watching porn and she is servicing the boy while they watch! Well, the Library is for learning, I suppose!
I was sitting in my car as the rain hits my windows, the sun peeks out from the dark clouds and like a million little prisms the light breaks through the raindrops and sprinkles tiny rainbows across my face and chest and I wish you were there with me to see this and help me find our pot of gold.
Thanks to my many sweet friends I will be able to watch the "Doctor Who" season premiere tonight! Yay! I am so excited! I wish you'd watch it with me! What would be a good snack to make and eat while watching it?
This is my Niece!!! Isn't she AWESOME?!! Please take a moment and thank her for me, I just know she'd like to hear from you!
I seem to have lost some weight! Only 67 more pounds to go! I got to fit in my wedding suit!
Jessica loves guys with cheekbones. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how she went on and on about some waiter that she told her kids was "Hot" because of his cheekbones. Many of her exes have great cheekbones. So I have been trying to work on mine just to try and satisfy her. If I could afford it, I would try and get implants on my cheeks. I will do anything to please her and try and keep her, but she has a wandering eye it seems. She likes what she likes and knows what she wants. I hope I can be it!
I used to want to have Peter Cushing's cheekbones. In fact, the name of my second band was called, "Peter Cushing's Cheekbones" because I always thought him to be quite handsome and wanted in the worst way to look just like him.
My friend, Kimberly just gave me the new issue of Marie Claire and pointed out the awesome article about, "Anal Sex is the New Oral Sex" and how more and more women are initiating the act. I love that a girl thought I should know this! I think she thinks that knowledge would be a great wedding gift! But I've been down that hole before and after all the girls I've been with, I finally seemed to have bumped into the one that doesn't want to open up to me, even though every man she's been with has drilled that well. She likes to tell me it's because I'm so well endowed, but I think it's a ploy of hers and I've called her on it. She said, "I wouldn't shit you! Would you want something like that shoved up your rear-end?"
I told her about a past relationship with a girl who was very experimental and had questions about her sexuality and because I was kind and supportive, talked me into letting her wear a strap-on and give it to me one night. After about an hour of trying to relax and squeeze it in, she began to really get into it and started banging me faster and faster, working up a sweat, she began slapping my ass and screaming, "How do you like that, bitch? You want some of this? You stupid whore, you take it and you like it or you'll get what's coming!"
I thought she was going to kill me! She started crying and had some serious emotional breakdown. I pried myself off and crawled around to comfort her, but she was unconsolable, so I crawl to the tub to soak for the next few hours.
Look, I'm just giving out info. I am a giver! I think in this case as well, it's better to give than receive.
My friend Sarp Yelkencioglu, lives in Turkey and he said, "You sure it's new? It's an old Marie Claire story from 2010..."
I guess the magazine is repurposing its content, because a variation of it is in the new issue with an awesome accompanying photo. Almost everyone I know loves anal and they seem to want it a lot. "I hate to be all anal about it, but until I straighten it out to the way I like it, I'm going to keep poking at it till you come around to my way of thinking! I'm not asking you to bend over backwards to please me, just asking you to bend over and take it!"
Today I just got a FREE Lunch! I feel like having vaseline rubbed on my hiney and being called, "Special" today! Yay! Jessica just called and said she's buying me dinner, too! Turns out today was a day to give to Jerry! I love getting!
Actually, didn't feel it yesterday, either. Just feel out of sorts. Don't know what I'm gonna do about it. My insides are all twisted in knots. My sleep is messed up. Can't seem to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I must be worried about something.
Yesterday Jessica's mom was talking to me about stuff. Sad stuff. I was listening and suddenly I felt myself starting to shake and my eyes started watering and she said, "Oh my, I'm sorry I'm making you sad!" And with that I broke down and started crying!
Nice! Just what your future Mother-in-Law needs to see from the next man to marry her daughter. What a big fat pussy! What a mental case! What a fag! What a great start! I might as well just pissed my pants, too.
It's over, Johnny. It's OVER!
I'm so afraid I'm getting into something where I might be putting myself into danger. Jessica's exes are still very much in her life because they each have kids with her and one ex in particular is about to have the news of my existence sprung on him when we move in together. Everyone tiptoes around him. The kids seem to be afraid of him in some way. They all keep secrets from him in fear of upsetting him. No one wants a confrontation. Recently I met one of his former employers by chance and he told me to watch out for the guy. My doctor who is also her family doctor, warned me of the potential danger in this situation. Even her mother gave me some stories that blew my mind!
I know this is private info and I shouldn't be talking to you about it here, but I thought I should have a record of it in case he kills me along with other members of his family. The news recently has been filled with stories of fathers killing their wives and children! Jessica seems to have a huge history of being close to people that have either been murdered or committed murder. I don't want to be another death story in her history.
She tells me there's nothing to worry about, but she has an amazing ability to change the subject when it is upsetting. She's blissfully is denial of the truth much of the time, while I wallow in the despair of the false and unknown all of the time. She is such a sweet angel, I wonder how she ever got so hooked up with the type of men that have populated her life? What does this say about me? Am I possibly the next bad ex-husband?
I love her kids! They are amazing and cool! However, they will never be as close to me as they are with their fathers. They'll never say, "I love you!" They are so close with Jessica it makes me miss my mother so much. I wish I could just for a moment tell my mother what an amazing woman Jessica has become and introduce my mother to her girls. That closeness has made me more than ever before want to have children of my own. I want a child of mine to say, "Daddy, I love you!"
Never before have I wanted to inflict upon a child the inheritance of my DNA, but seeing how beautiful my nieces are, maybe it's just the magic puzzle pieces they'd need. I really do think I'd be a good daddy. I'm not bragging. I used to think I'd be horrible because I'd worry about them all the time, but now I know how much attention I'd give them and how much I'd listen to them.
Her kids aren't ones to hug or express much physical affection to me and I'm very physical, always have been. I love to give hugs. These girls don't want that and I'll have to learn to get over it. It's so odd though, that I can go into my favorite restaurant and get long and truly loving hugs from the girls that I know there, or at the place I pick up my mail, or the bookstore I shop… It's always been like that with me. So it can't just be me. I must be doing something right. I must be lovable and huggable. It just isn't going to be happening with these girls. I will have to accept that I will have to be getting the affection I need elsewhere.
I've been involved, in the course of my adult life with 3 abortions of pregnancies that I was responsible for. That I know of. There were possibly more. I suspect some were hidden from me. In the last few years I have found myself hoping a young beautiful girl would walk up to me from a mass of faceless people in a mall, or restaurant, or a party and say to me, "Hello, I'm your daughter!"
That probably isn't going to happen, but I do think about it.
As you can see here, one of Jessica's friends is about to get showered with something!
Jessica's Bridal Shower was yesterday! I decided to call and disguised my voice, "Did you all request 'The Dancing Bear?'" And her sister Jill, screaming over the loud dance music and women yelling and giggling, said, "We did, but he's already here!" And in the background I heard Jessica yell, "Send more Dancing Bears!"
The day took a turn for the worst! Make me feel better, please!
Was it be wrong for me to drive over there and see what was going on? I think I have a right to know... Right?
I didn't know what to do... I used to be so trusting! She is so very sweet and wonderful, but she LOVES men! She loves looking at them, dating them, marrying them. I'm just one guy! She says such wonderful things to me and at the time I do believe her, it's when I'm not around her, when she's out of my sight that I begin thinking horrible things.
Okay. I tried to be good. I'm stealing wifi from one of their neighbors. There must be about 70 cars and trucks parked around here. I hear rap and hip hop music. There's a lot of screaming and yelling! I'm gonna try and get closer and look over the back fence and see if I can take some pictures.
I told her I wouldn't have a Bachelor Party. Two of my friends have been working hard on one with quality strippers and specialty acts to take place in a nice suite at a local hotel, but I said I wouldn't do it. Now this changes EVERYTHING! Bring on the strippers for my own party! Whose coming with me?
As promised! I snuck over to see this so-called "Bridal Shower" and found Jessica and all her friends being entertained by "The Dancing Bear!" Just as I had feared! Disguised as a Pizza Delivery Boy, I quickly snapped the picture above, just as Jessica figured out it was me. See her glaring at me? She was so busted! So what do you think I should do?
I'm telling ya... It was a real horror show! These friends of hers got all worked up!
Happy Easter! I'm very excited as today I have dyed all my testicles in Easter Egg colors and will be hiding in the bushes! Please come and hunt for them! There just might be a big surprise waiting for you behind the black bar!
It was hard to breathe. Felt like I was falling. Dizzy. Reached out for her hand. Our fingers meshed. Pulled her close and wrapped my arms tight around her. Held her. Felt her heart beating against my chest. Her breath in my ear was like a wind roaring past me in free fall. Her hair brushing against my skin was soft as clouds moving up and around me as I blew through them at an ever increasing speed. I could die with her right now and it would be the perfect way to go. Felt a calm move through the length of my body and I know that I'll be fine because she is an angel. Light comes across her beautiful face like a glow from a distant explosion. I watch the reflection of stars recede in her eyes as the Earth was moving up to us faster and faster. Her smile widened and she asked me, "Who are you looking at right now?"
Just to balance things and get it out of the way before the bachelorette party? I'm torn.
Just so you know why I'm so concerned, I went to the local costume shop to inquire about renting a Bear costume so I could surprise Jessica with my own "Dancing Bear" routine, but the lady said, "We just rented the last one for a bridal shower."
I said, "That's weird. You mean a bachelorette party."
She said, "No. Bridal Shower."
I asked, "Do you mind telling me the name on the party?"
Well, she looked it up and it was Jessica's sister!
Let's just be clear about one thing! If the "Dancing Bear" or any stripper shows up (knowing how Jessica behaves with strippers from the photographic evidence I'm forced to confront with almost daily on Facebook) I'm calling this marriage off! I am not a prude. She can look, but when it comes to touching and all the other things she likes to do... I can't handle it! Sorry. Call me old fashioned. I'm a one woman man! That's how my mommy raised me.
Might sound immature, but yesterday I got to see Free Boobies! Sometimes a gal will lean over and her blouse will open, or a woman will be removing her seatbelt and accidentally open her shirt, or a girl will wipe sweat away from her face with the bottom of her t-shirt exposing them precious globes, and sometimes she'll just be typing and stretch and yawn and her shirt comes up and life suddenly seems so worth living!
Happy Earth Day!
Go to my Facebook profile wall to see the Earth Day music videos I directed back in the day; Pearl Jam, Dramarama, Charlatans UK... Enjoy and plant something!
Chris Carter was cool enough to contact me about his work in the Dramarama video for "Last Cigarette" where Chris not only caught a thrown from the audience cigarette in his mouth without missing a note, but that it was lit and he caught it on the filter... Just amazing! Those were awesome times! Look for it in this video!
When I think about the Earth, I can't help thinking about those nights I would go out on the end of the pier all alone in Ventura, stand up on the railing, stare into the black night filled with stars, listen to the crashing waves, and scream out Jessica's name to the ocean, begging it to bring Jessica back to me. I love her with all that I am! Always have! I love her so much I almost can't "bear" it.
Yesterday's blog post with the unclothed photo on the stairs turned out to be the single largest download record winner in the entire history of this website according to the statistics, but it hasn't made me feel any better about my body image.
Even today when my friend Jerome took me out to lunch in appreciation for a flier I designed for an important show he's doing and I was showing the photos to a few females and watching their awesome reactions, you'd think I'd feel good about it.
Even with the email and messages I've received from women from all over the world complementing me, all the Japanese men asking for more photos and Gay men inquiring if in addition to the Bachelorette Parties I will begin dancing at, will I perform for Gay Bachelor Parties... The money offers sound good! Looks like I could make some nice dough! My hearts just not into it for some reason.
The whole reason, I suppose for these suggestive photos and my body dysmorphia, I believe, is that I see these photos of Jessica with various men from her past and they are all amazing looking guys. She loves male model types. She loves men with high cheekbones, ripped abs and long flowing hair. She really loves running her fingers through a man's hair. The only hair I have to offer her the chance of combing her fingers through is my back hair.
I'm so glad we ended up back together. I understand the past is the past. I've been fantasizing about making her feel good. I have always wanted her to feel good. I want her to feel good the rest of her life. I want to be happy, too. Yet, I'm haunted by all these men from her past! It's so stupid! They don't think of me at all and all I do is think of them when I'm thinking of her. I have to let it go. I have to move on. I have to get over it. Whatever I do it's never enough! They keep showing up in my mind!
I want to accomplish a few key things in the next 5 years. #1 is marrying her! That's coming soon! May 27th! When you take a risk it can be really exhilarating. But it really isn't a risk as much as it is destiny, for me anyway. But the other goals, maybe considered risks.
Last night I had one of the best dream of my life and she was in it. I love it so much when she comes to me in my dreams. I want to make her feel good like she makes me feel good. I love the sounds she makes. Her hair is so hot! I love the way she tastes. What are you imagining right now?
Her skin is so soft and smooth. I want to kiss every inch of her. I've never felt this good before.
The way I look at it, when you feel truly relaxed, truly comfortable, it’s as if the deepest places inside you begin to come alive, in a way that makes you feel renewed, energized, stimulated, and you feel a freedom that makes it easy to allow yourself to truly open to and surrender to your own deepest passions. I feel her. I can tell she wants to open up to me. I see it in her eyes.
It feels great being with her in the car. It’s great when we're driving along, and as the trees whip by her and everything blurs, you feel this incredible sense of freedom stirring inside, the kind of freedom that allows you to feel a sense of balance, as if the different parts of yourself are finally acquiring a sense of centeredness, a groundedness that you hadn’t really felt before... you know, the kind that allows you to achieve a kind of serenity that makes you open to renewal, and makes you open to the realization that feeling this kind of freedom makes intensity, real intensity, something that can open the deepest parts of you, and remind you of the things, helps you connect to the things, that you know are really important and meaningful! I felt those things about her when I first met her, but didn't know how to deal with them emotionally, because I was so young. Now, I'm a man and I know what I want. I know how to ask for it. I want it! I will take it!
What’s really great is when you find yourself sharing a deep sense of trust with someone. Know what I mean? You know, the kind of trust that feels like there’s this soft golden bubble, this pool of energy, holding both of you inside, warm to the touch, softly soothing her and calming her, a feeling so warm and strong that it begins to flow inside her, deepening her sense of safety and total trust, expanding, spreading wide like wings, so much so that the feeling itself seems to say to her, "…You are safe, you are protected, you can open to this experience and feel and accept this experience completely." Now, with me, this feels great—this, with me, is the feeling. Maybe you feel good about feeling this feeling, too. This kind of trust, real trust, this kind of trust is a great feeling, now, isn’t it?
Well, I spent last night writing about the dream I had. Writing can actually be a very powerful experience, you’re creating this world of absolute possibility, within which anything can happen, but you’ve gotta build it. Some people may not see how this can be the case, but with me, the more I think about it and experience it, the more I connect it to a sense of passion.
I learned to hate that word, "Passion" because someone ruined it for me, but I'm taking it back and making it okay for me. I remembered what she once said about people can't be controlling you unless you let them. I let so many people from the past, the memories of these people control me. I want to take my life back! I want my power back! I can't really think of a better word for it, right now. So it's "Passion." And I passionately take you from my past and make you mine!
It’s as if in surrendering to the experiencing of giving yourself completely to this, feeling every part of yourself, every ounce of your ability to feel, totally devoted to this, this burning passion inside you now, the more you find yourself learning and growing. Every little flickering character, every word, every letter, every feeling on the screen challenges you to find the one that should come next, or the one it really ought to be. You’re being challenged over and over again, and you sometimes want to pound your fist through the screen, and the screen seems to grow larger and clearer in your mind, everything seems to be growing larger and clearer all the time, as you become more and more consumed by this, in ways that feel more and more intense and rewarding, as you begin to feel that this aura of pure possibility begins to radiate out from deep inside you, and your thoughts become as penetrating and piercing and focused as a laser, able to make anything melt, through the heat of the desire inside you, and this laser begins to make you feel more and more in touch with what you truly want, as everything that it’s melting seems to combine all your doubts and inhibitions, carving away your fears, refining and strengthening your excitement and intensity, so as you realize those old things are now melting inside you, your passion and desire and intensity just get stronger and stronger, as the laser gets brighter and hotter… And knowing you're hearing my voice in your head turns me on as I walk us down a hallway, a corridor, or come into an open room in the story.
I love putting together stories about us. It’s really involving, you know? When you really get going, you’re completely swept along. You know, you just, like, feel the current beneath you, moving you irresistibly. It’s just like surfing, I imagine. You know, that way when you’re surfing, the ocean just totally takes control, and you’re just being carried along for the ride, you just feel this tremendous power driving you. You know, surfing like that, it’s just like getting really turned-on, feeling that intense feeling building and warming and intensifying inside you, knowing you’re no longer the one in control, because your emotions and desires are running things now. Scary, too. I could just lose myself in my fantasies of you. Drown in them. Imagine your heart spreading open, unlocked in a way it has never been before, and feeling my heart’s energy come inside you, my heart’s energy coming inside you again, and again, and again, as powerful and rhythmic, as sure and relentless, as the ocean’s salty tide.
It’s as though what you most want to feel is locked away, locked in a box of oak and iron, and then suddenly you meet someone who holds a gleaming, golden, oiled key. And this key, inlaid with designs of the most unearthly beauty and intricate workmanship, slides deeper and deeper into the lock, slides so deeply that you wonder whether it will ever stop, until at last it strikes home, and you feel it turning against the lock’s inmost chamber, turning... turning... turning... until it clicks, and the lock seems to shudder, and at last the box spreads open, and you feel all that you’ve so long wanted and waited... and waited... and waited... to feel it begin to flood through you.
I'm imagining I'm feeling her wonderfully silky hair sliding across on my skin sort of makes me feel alive and renewed. It makes me feel like my life is now in the kind of space where it’s safe to be open, and this lets me know our being together like this is meant to be, it’s fate, it’s destiny. The fact, as I've said before, that I took a picture of myself the night before going to the concert where she saw me, and the fact that picture has survived all these years without being lost is… Proof of Destiny!
I love being in a space where I feel open to relating to her in a way which allows us to be physical and allows me to feel good about feeling her inside my heart like this while still feeling like I’m really being true to myself, you know what I mean?
Have you ever found yourself feeling so good that you can almost imagine the feeling radiating out from you, like a warm, soft, glittering, golden sphere surrounding you, one so rich and satisfying that it speaks to a deep, hidden part of you?
Yeah, I've always loved being her boyfriend. That’s great, that’s cool. I wanted it to stay that way, to grow and expand, but I didn't know how then and later when we were apart, didn't know how to put myself back into her, her life, to get inside her heart. It’s nice to be completely satisfied and to feel that whatever you’re feeling now is as good as it can possibly get. I knew she was involved with other men, and husbands and couldn't find a space for me to fit in, she was occupied.
I remember talking to my friend, a fashion model that now lives in Paris, about her back in LA. She was involved, like really, deeply, intensely involved with a guy for what, it must have been two years. She was totally satisfied, it was all she could imagine, she couldn’t imagine anything better. At least, that’s what I thought. That’s what she told everybody. One day she surprised everybody, though, by announcing that she’d found somebody new. When I asked her about it, she said, "Yeah, I thought I was totally satisfied, too. Then I met this guy I dated in high school, when my dad was stationed in Germany, my first love, and something about being with him, just being in his presence, just talking to him made me realize that I could have more. Like all the pleasure I’d had till then had only been preparation. I realized I could have something more, as if, within that relationship I’d been inside for so long, I'd grown content, and then numbed, as if I’d stopped growing, and didn’t realize it. But something about being with this guy, looking at this new/old guy... feeling my heart beat as I looked at him... now... this made me realize that opening to him could introduce you to new, deeper, more meaningful experiences."
Wow, I was just thinking of Wedding Rings, because I remember her man made their rings and I was thinking about the rings we made… those beautiful rings… Those "JL" rings. I wondered what it would be like if someone could see that ring and then sense the feelings behind it begin to rise up, grow, become a color, grow, intensify, and then make everything you see around you and everything you’re hearing begin to fill with all the beauty and wonder and connection and warmth that used to be trapped inside that piece of colorless crushed clay, metal and melted silver? Imagine feeling how much more powerful and genuine these feelings can now become, because they’re now part of something real and alive and human, shared and embodied by two people, in the here and now!
When you feel really connected to someone, it’s like there’s a glittering, iridescent chain connecting your hearts, and this is a sign you and this person are meant to be together. When someone really has an impact on you, it’s as if you can feel everything special and powerful about this person penetrating ever more deeply into your mind and body and soul, and you feel flooded with this tremendous desire to open yourself even more completely, so as to experience even more of these special feelings. My friend says that when a man really feels right for you, it’s as if everything that’s been numb or bored or disconnected inside you suddenly begins to melt like the wax of a candle, soft as clay and the more she feels this warmth and this liquid melting feeling inside you, the more deeply she knows this experience is going to enter you and give you a true feeling of being totally filled, as if she can now truly sense how much she’s been waiting for an experience just like this, and now she truly feels herself yearning for this even more powerfully, as if a voice inside you is saying, “You need this now. Surrender, and take this pleasure and grace and power inside you, because this is what you need right now. Jerry wants you!"
A lot of times, for perfectly good reasons, you can feel closed to experiencing something intense. On the other hand, what’s great is when you suddenly realize you’re in just the right place for this kind of thing. You know, you feel so comfortable, so open that it’s almost like there are big pillows all around you, big, plush comfortable pillows and everything is warm, fuzzy, relaxing, soft, and time has slowed down, it’s almost as if you’re in another century, an old plantation, Spanish moss on the trees and there’s time to really open and experience powerful things and everything is lit by soft candle-light and everything is made of wood and everything feels good when you touch it and there are beautiful paintings of flowers all around you and jars filled with fruit and grain and everything you see and hear in every direction just roots you to this spot, in a way that makes you feel more and more like this is something you need to experience even more deeply, because everything seems so soft, you see a gorgeous chair carven of oak, gorgeous wooden tables strong enough to hold you up on, soft soft blankets on a soft soft bed and everything proves to you, again and again, that you really are in a place where you can now open completely to experiencing something powerful and new with me.
It’s great when a feeling of happiness penetrates all the way inside you. My friend says she loves it, when she can feel excitement, a huge, intense, jolt of excitement, like a lightning bolt enter the deepest parts of you soul. I wonder if you know what it’s like, when a feeling is so powerful, that it seems to come right inside you, opening and then filling completely a void inside you that you didn’t realize was now open.
Sometimes, something feels so right that you know your heart, the deepest part of you just begins to warm and as it warms it just melts and then in a moment of grace spreads wide, opens completely to feel that which is most beautiful begin to slide all the way inside your heart. An emotion can be so powerful that it’s like something solid something permanent, something whose weight you can hold in your hand, taste in your mouth and then take inside yourself and you know this feeling is going to last... and last... and last... and the longer it lasts... the harder and more solid... and more enduring it becomes... and the deeper it goes inside you... the more it comes... to feel... a part of who you are. I want you to feel it! I feel this way.
My friend says that sometimes, someone’s energy can make you feel so wonderful that you want to drink in this person’s breath, you know? It’s like you want to swallow everything this person has to give and just keep tasting more and more of it inside you, emotionally, I mean. My friend says that the ocean can be so beautiful sometimes that you just want to, almost, you know, kneel down before it, go down on your knees, swirl a fingertip through that salty white foam, bring it to your lips, open your mouth, feel it slide inside your mouth, over your tongue... just close your eyes and drink in all you can of this immense salty liquid power, so that you feel even more connected to it and it’s feeding, filling you, nourishing you, centering you, this is a marvelous emotion, isn’t it?
I was going to workout more so I could get some new pictures, but with the car troubles and bills, I guess it will have to wait. I wanted to surprise Jessica with a pre-wedding gift of some boudoir photos of me in various nude poses that might illicit a sexual response in her and also show her what she'll be getting come the Wedding Night. Then it will be too late for her to change her mind!
See, I guess I'm what you call old fashion and even though Jessica and I have a long history together, I haven't had sex with her, because I like to delay my pleasure. I have to admit it's been hard, but she's so understanding that she's let me have sex with other women, sometimes two or three at a time, just because she knows they mean nothing to me.
I found a Southern photographer on craigslist and drove over to his studio. I walked in and waited in the lobby, but no receptionist or anybody was there, so I read magazines and sat on the leather couch. Finally a guy walks in from the back with a broom and a dust pan, so I'm thinking he's doing some commercial photography of cleaning supplies. He asks me, "What are you here for?"
"Oh, I wanted to surprise my fiance with some nude photos of myself and was curious of the price."
He sets the broom and dust pan down and puts his hands in his pocket and says, "Well, remove your clothes to give me an idea of what you got to work with."
So I did.
"Everything?" I asked.
"Why not?"
He walks around me looking hard. I can see the artist in him thinking about how he'll use me to make these photos magic!
"What kind of price are we looking at here?" I ask.
"Hell if I know, I'm just the janitor. The studios closed this week."
I was furious!
Jessica seems to be worrying about getting everything done for the wedding and I hate to see her stress. She's such an angel, I never want her to worry! I know she's not sleeping well, too. The day is getting closer and closer! I am working on the music, but there's so much to do.
I have to admit, I too am worried, but mainly I am worried about her bachelorette party. She loves male strippers! She has a history of kissing them and posing with them in photos. She says there's not going to be a party, but that she's going to take the girls to see Johnny Depp in the new "Pirates" movie. Yet, I caught her mother admitting there was going to be one this weekend when I just came out and asked her to which she said, "Oh, I'm going!" Jessica tried over and over to convince me it was the bridal shower her mother meant, but come on... I may only be 29 years old come next month, but I'm not that naive.
An actress friend of mine messaged me, "...many women are saying they don't want strippers at their Bachelorette Parties, so their men will be happy, but are having the strippers come to the Bridal Showers instead so they won't be caught in a lie."
Women sure are sneaky!
Read this old news story; A bachelorette party in Boston got so out of hand with male strippers, nudity and sex, the cops were called in. When it was raided, all the women there claimed they had been raped, but in court they didn't expect there'd be video from the hotel security cameras and it showed all the women going wild for it! These respectable women went wild and they got busted!
There's a movie here, I think!
Check it out; a male stripper was on this forum and he said about 80% of the strippers are gay and he and a few he knew did a thing called, "fudge-pop" where before going out to dance for the women, they'd be backstage and a guy would shove his cock into the ass of another dancer and then they'd see how many women's mouths they could get their junk into! It was a game to them, they even bet on it. They got points on maids of honor, brides, but big money was on the mothers who paid for it all...
Have you EVER heard such a sick thing?
The scary thing is one of my friends that works at the local strip club and is hiring the girls to come to my bachelor party, just Facebook Friended Jessica's adult daughter! I told Jessica if Marilyn shows up at my party I'm going to freak out! The thing is, it's just something she'd do to. She's very protective of her mother, but she is also like a friggin' Sherlock Holmes and after she saw me trying to disguise myself the other night with wigs to prank them, she might be looking for a way either to get back at me, or make some extra college money. I sure hope not! I wasn't even planning on going to my own bachelor party, but now I think I should go just to make sure she doesn't end up dancing there!
At lunch, I was waiting on a friend to arrive to the restaurant, so I popped on my laptop and while fiddling with the power cord a waitress came over, "Jerry, please! You can't come in here looking at porn!"
Seems I wasn't aware to the fact that on display to the other customers behind me was a fullscreen nude photo of a friend of mine! Dang! I'm glad it wasn't "2 Girls and a Cup!"
I just know in some alternate universe I am what men want to be and I am what women want, unfortunately I stuck in this shithole dimension.
I could be standing next to you in the shower and you wouldn't know it was me!
Talked to my Tax Guy and was very excited to learn I will be getting back enough money back to go to the Cannes Film Festival, but I will have to go by Greyhound Bus.
Just when I got the news I was getting some good money back in my Tax Return and I was thinking of either going to Cannes or to NYC, my car dies on me in the middle of a turn on the freeway with oncoming trucks and trailers! I almost died! Looks like that money will go to car repairs
My 96 Honda Civic just overheated and died! Looks to be the water pump, maybe a cracked head, too. This repair is gonna be pricey! My tax return isn't gonna cover this disaster! I shoulda stayed in bed today! What am I gonna do without a car? Pray?
Scientist discovers the Last Supper may have included Fishsticks and Deviled Eggs!
I asked my waitress at lunch how things have been going and she said, "Not good. I guess it's 'No Tip for Black Girl Day!"
I can't tell you how excited I am, that in less than 6 weeks I will begin having sex with the same woman for the rest of my life, as far as she knows!
Unable to find a good neti pot, I noticed the people I'm staying with have a fancy Waterpik... Didn't work. Too stopped up, dammit! Might try the pressure sprayer at the carwash next.
Wow! Those Fiber Choice Chewable Tablets finally kicked in! Now I'm only stopped up on the top end! Guess I won't be going horseback riding today!
The old lady at the Dollar Tree didn't even bat an eye and acts like she's seen it all when I asked, "Is it safe to use this Easter Egg Dye on my testicles?" She looked at me and without a pause said, "Just don't hardboil them."A friend/former dancer wrote to me, she said, "Remember when you used to strip at La Bare? I'm booking male dancers now and saw your Party posts. You were great! Want to do it again?" I wrote, "That's sweet! I'm in better shape now, I think, but I'm getting married next month and I don't think my new wife will like me stripping for young girls." "Not young women, this tour is for elderly and mature women. It's a whole new market!" WTF???
A few months back I read an old article by a reporter doing a story on "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" and it's author Tucker Max. The reporter’s wife was helping with lining up some girls to talk about the male assholes they dated, why they loved them, and even some of the so-called "assholes" were interviewed, but the story took a turn when the reporter discovered his wife cheated on him with one of the guys. Why do women want these kinda guys? It seems women love bad boys and abusive men. They really love the drama of a guy cheating on them, or cheating with someone on their men. I discovered Jessica reading both of his books. She was telling me some of his stories and she really seemed to be enjoying the books. Knowing her past history with dating and marriage to people that have done jail-time, were abusive and assholes and bad boys… I began to worry. I admit I was even scared. My brain went into overdrive and panic. What was I to do?I feel I fall inside that clingy/needy/sweet boyfriend area, but am so willing to be an "asshole" when it's needed because I've known so many gals that love, screw and marry abusive guys. So if my girl wants to be slapped, hair pulled, tied down, spanked, blindfolded and shared with a lesbian or two, gangbanged by black gangstas, raped by strange men, date raped by friends, or just simply DP-ed with another guy... I will help make that fantasy happen because I love her so much and I want her to be happy and if she needs that to be happy... Nah, I'll just get her chocolate candy and paint supplies and hope that works. If not, I’ll cut my losses and split!I saw a poor non-health-insured-minimum-wage worker dressed as the Easter Bunny roaming the mall in search of photo-ops, with a bright yellow pee stain on both once white fake furred legs, but the question is; Was it stained from years of kids freaking out, or was it his own from the alcohol-laced loss of bladder control when the realization that he is dressed as a Bunny instead of what he always dream he would be.I immediately felt the pain, knowing what it is to have a dream and lose it in some kind of void that opens up in daily life like a black hole stripping you naked and making you do shit you don’t want to do while all your friends and family and soul are chipped away in an economic love removal machine.Thinking about taking my pants off... Who wants to join me?
Jessica, Marilyn and Erin were out shopping and I went and bought a wig and some sandals and clothes I would never wear to disguise myself. They were in a store and I followed them around for quite a while spying on them and listening to their secrets before Marilyn started staring at me with the strangest look on her face. She began nudging Erin who also began staring. They both tried to get their mom's attention and when Jessica looks she sees the sandals and that I had shaved my goatee into a handlebar mustache and said, "That's not Jerry!"
They left the store but the girls tried and tried to get Jessica to look again, then when they drove away the girls pointed to my car in the parking lot. Jessica had to turn the car around and drive back where they caught me in my car ready to follow them to the next store. We parked and they jumped out laughing at it all.
I think it was pretty fun and awesome! I hope Jessica and the girls like having a guy around that can keep things interesting and fun and silly.
I was at Spencer's Gifts looking at passion party toys and noticed a pretty purple vibrating dildo in a package that had been returned and resealed. It had been used. I just know it. Would you even care if someone got that for you as a gift and it had been opened before you opened it, or am I just being a germaphobe?
Some Nigerian lawyer just emailed me to let me know I have a distant relative that has passed away and left me millions of dollars. This is sad news, but it really is the break I was looking for. Should I go ahead and get married, or should I spend the money on myself and a bunch of Parisian hookers?
You know, I wouldn't leave Jessica and the girls for all the money in the world!
I don't really want the "...through sickness and health, for better or worse, until death do us part" stuff, because, seriously... Who believes that, or does that anymore? So put your creative thinking caps on and knowing me as you do, think of something good for me to use!Had a great day yesterday; drove to Florida, went to a Goodwill store, a comicbook store, a bookstore, a t-shirt shop, walked around a mall, watched a traveling carnival with all sorts of rides being assembled in a parking lot and got to see another shooting star fall slowly across the night sky! I wish everyday could be this nice! But that wasn't my wish at the time. I can't tell you that one!After all the miles I drove yesterday, I think I'm just gonna relax today and write and maybe edit some video projects that have been piling up.Sad to report; after 15+ years being the station voice on CBS's WPBZ The Buzz in West Palm Beach, I was laid off today as they begin making changes. So with that news and not getting to shoot that porn video this morning, it's been a real double whammy with a wiffle bat to the balls! Please cheer me up!I hope Easter never arrives! Because I don't know what I will do without Reese's Easter Eggs. They're like crack! Maybe a Wedding Cake made out of Reese's Easter Eggs would be great!
Yesterday my doctor told me if I'm to live a happy life I must remove the words, "should, could, would, always, never..." and some other words I already forgot from my vocabulary. How do I do that? She said these words are killing me. She said I can't change the past and I can't predict the future so why worry about stuff I can't change. How can I take these words out of my mind? It's like if I said, don't think of boobies! Did you think of boobies? I did. Were they big floppy ones, or lil' perky ones? Big silver dollar aureoles, or small erect nipples? Yeah, boobies are fun. Hmm... Where was I?
I love the colors, the face she's making, the hair, the pose... She's wearing a baby bib she found in the store and thought it was cute, but it's cutting off the blood flow to her powerful brain. I worked on this photo for hours! So you better like it too!
My brother's goat died today. He was a cute little "fainting goat" and since he was always appearing dead, my brother didn't notice for a while that he was in fact dead. He was a good, sweet goat. All the kids loved him. He leaves behind another goat that is now so lonely and my brother says you can tell it wonders where its friend has gone. It is so sad. My brother is giving the other goat to a woman that has a bunch of goats, just so he won't be so lonely without his friend. Isn't that sweet?
If you've never heard of this type of goat, watch this video:
I dreamed my wish came true! The wish I made after seeing a falling star last night. Man, it would be something! Maybe today is the day I found out! Wish me luck!
Don't drink wine with muscle relaxers then go on a roadtrip! Remember how today feels so you won't do this again! Also, don't use exclamation points or type too loudly. Shhh...
After a long hot day of banking in Tallahassee, inhaling gnats in Georgia, teasing my girl's cat while thinking about the work of Georgia O'Keefe, planning the wedding vows, and how I'm going to reinvent myself after my birthday, I thought it was time to have a beer and relax!
Yesterday was a strange and wild day! I had the best lasagna ever! Jessica's mom is so great! We were in the kitchen, just me and her, I was watching her cook. I was, as usual, goofing around, but I was making her laugh so hard. She has the absolutely best laugh anyone has ever had. The kind of laugh that just makes you want to go on.
I was feeling great! Just a great day, even though it was hot. I was in an awesome mood. For a while, anyway. Certain people can just knock the wind out of my sail and I unfortunately had to run into that person. It was one of those kind that is allowed to get away with a lot of bad behavior because people think they are cute, special, artistic and young, but so was Hitler once. I'm giving up one this one. I'm taking all future compliments, enthusiasm, kindness and redirecting it to people that deserve it and appreciate it.
Jessica came to my hotel room and tried to turn it all around with chocolate pie and other treats and it slowly began to work. It was a steep uphill climb for her, but she is a state changer and my mental state was changed. We had a great time and talked about how whenever one is down in the dumps one can watch crazy cat videos on youtube to get them to start laughing, but suddenly she wondered if there was such a thing as "Porno Bloopers" and after a quick search hit the muthaload!
We laughed and laughed!
I believe if a guy or gal is trying to get their partner to watch naked people have sex and it's not happening, they might wish to start them off with "Porno Bloopers" as the icebreaker. It was a great way to end the night! It's nice to hear laughter aimed at other people being naked for a change.
I've waited almost 27 years for it. I sat under a tree in Alabama and imagined what it would be like to be hers. I sat on the floor of a guesthouse in Dallas and read a book on spells to see if I could conjure her. I tried to seduce her with the possibility of her gaining knowledge. I turned love away in London because I knew I belonged to her. I followed a girl I thought was her for hours after seeing her on the subway in New York only to realize it wasn't. I used a telephone call to detect any hope in her voice. I drove a Mustang across America wishing for her. I wrote my name next to another in a book of love when I knew my name should have been next to hers. I called out her name when making love to another. I stood inside a historic and abandoned Los Angeles hotel ballroom with rain streaming down through the broken stained glass ceiling and cried for her. I stood at the end of a pier at 2am in Ventura in pitch black and screamed out her name across the ocean hoping the waves would wash her ashore like the mermaid I imagined she'd be to me. I hired detectives that informed me of the life she was living with others and told to forget her. I had doctors tell me to find her anyway. She found me instead and I drove to her. When I'm with her time is obliterated and my troubles fly apart. When I'm with her I know the dream is real. When I'm with her all the magic works. When I'm with her I know the ocean brought her back to me like a lost treasure and her tears of joy are diamonds.
Seems I can look back at my life as a series of big daily mistakes. One bad decision after another. Then when I try and avoid making any decisions, the lack of action becomes the problem. When I try to find a path to correct the bad decision it's like I'm trying to find a friend by using MapQuest and ending up in an empty cornfield. I just don't know what to do!
As you probably know, these are the letters J and L which work for me and Jessica. They are based on a design I created some time back. I think they came out great! Jessica did a great job assembling different artists around the world to do the different aspects needed to complete the rings. I was very excited to see them finished!Jessica also found me a great suit! I'm very happy with it. I just wish I looked better in it. I hope I lose some more weight by May 27th!The work on the wedding is getting done. Jessica and her family are getting stuff ready. Food, decorations, guest lists, invites... There's still so much I need to do. Music... I know there is so much more... I think I'm overwhelmed and can't remember. I have a list somewhere.If I were to be completely honest with you, and I don't want to hurt anyone... This may not be the best place to talk about this, but... I think as much as I wanted to get married to Jessica all these years, something inside of me has recently began causing me trouble. I believe I have just started to lose interest in the wedding itself. I know that sounds awful. Maybe it will change. Maybe I can just look at it as a big party for her. I kind of want to let my family and friends know it's okay if they can't make that long drive. I know it's a long way to come just for me. Maybe it's the medication I'm on, maybe it's something else, but I'm going through something here and I hope it works itself out. I want more than anything for Jessica to be happy, but maybe I'm not the man that can truly make her or anyone, or even myself happy.
Things just aren't going good for me anymore. Don't feel well. Sick to my stomach and dizzy. I got the shakes. I thought it might be mixing drugs that don't go together. Or taking drugs on an empty stomach. Maybe the flu.
Could be something bad from my past is haunting me. My nerves are so rattled. I talked to a friend and he asked if this really was a good time to be thinking of getting married. I think I'm better when I'm alone or with people I've just met. When new people have yet to tell me their sad histories and I have no love invested in them, it's like walking into a hotel room with clean, fresh sheets on the bed. Being alone, the sheets aren't that fresh and it's more like a motel, probably the Bates Motel.
Things must get better by ignoring and changing the subject. I must learn this skill quickly! So many people I know can just block out bad things. They can go to church and ask for forgiveness and continue on their merry way. They can say, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry I did that to you, I won't do that again." Then when they do it again, they say, "Oh baby. Poor thing. I'm so sorry. I won't ever do that again. We all make mistakes. Forgive me."
I have to just realize I can't do anything about what someone will do in the future. People do things. They want to make themselves feel good in that moment and they don't think about what may happen because of it.
How important is trust, anyway?
Trust in myself is all that I can really own. I can't fully trust someone else without putting myself in harm's way. To trust is like having Faith. Faith is very, very hard for me, maybe even impossible. If actions speak louder than words… Then it's about track record and keeping score… Well, it's just very hard for me to trust anyone.
Life is too complicated for me! I wish I could just go away and sleep. Sleep for a long time in a hotel room with clean, fresh sheets.
