Pardon my cockup.

She was telling me how sometimes the hospital gives alcoholics a thing called a "Banana Bag" which I later learned is a yellow IV fluid with vitamins, thiamine, and dextrose, but I thought she meant, "Banana Hammock" so our conversation took a strange and dramatic turn.

I told her, "I'm taking off.." She interrupted me, panicked, "What? How can you leave me? Where are you going?" "Nowhere," I said, "I'm taking off my pants! Now, bend over!"

I had been watching an awesome documentary about "Blackadder" while eating chips and salsa. I was engaged by a very funny story Rowan Atkinson was telling, became choked on a chip and when I reached for my thirst-quenching iced tea, took a giant swig and discovered I had a mouthful of Sweat Heat Salsa! I had picked up the jar of salsa instead of my iced tea! Then the comedy ensued!

If anyone wants to see it, the documentary that is, it's here: http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/blackadder-rides-again/

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It's been a hard day's night!

Will it be worth it to get out of bed today? Or should we all just stay in bed and watch movies?

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/a-hard-days-night/

I dreamed I was at the Last Supper and we all drank Cherry Kool-Aid and ate Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts and everything worked out for everyone!

Been reading how more and more couples are choosing not to have children. This trend of going childless is up dramatically compared to 20 years ago where couples were staying in bed and plopping them babies out just because they could.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-no-baby-boom-2503225/

Thinking of going on a long drive for maybe a month or so if I can wake up. Want to go see my parent's graves and clean it up and place some flowers there, then drive back to Los Angeles and see some old friends for a while. If you'd like to see me, please book my appearance now!

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Your nostrils shalt be the holes of the law!

My friend is always trying to get me to use a neti pot to flush out my sinuses, but the ones at WalMart are almost $30. She found this Aleister Crowley Neti Pot at a church thrift store for $6.66 so she just had to get it for me!

Ate a plate of salmon, corn, rice and chips with sweet hot salsa while watching the film, "Aleister Crowley: The Wickedest Man in the World" and was surprised how much I look like him when he was 29 years old. Two separate times in the past I've been asked to portray him in his younger years. Never did though.

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/aleister-crowley-wickedest-man-world/

Wow! Some people have married, argued during the ceremony and immediately got divorced! I guess once you know it isn't working... You gotta just cut your losses and move on!

http://www.weirduniverse.net/blog/permalink/the_shortest_marriages_ever1/

My first divorce was so easy! It was fast, too! One person I know had a divorce that took almost a whole year, maybe more! I didn't have kids and it's another reason to add to the ever growing and long list of reasons I should be glad I don't have kids. It's funny... It seems easier to buy a gun than get a divorce. Hmmm...

How old, do you think, is too old for a woman to have a baby?

How old, do you think, is too old for a man to father a child?

What is your best way to deal with difficult, sickly, conceited with regard to the merit of their own opinions and slightly stuck up teens? I'd say ignore them, right? If you were trapped in an enclosure with them, what would you do to survive?

The medication I've been taking has given me the unusual affect of photophobia. It is painful for me to be out in daylight or any mildly bright light. It actually hurts to turn lights on. While I was hanging upside down on my inversion table, I was suddenly faced with the horrifying thought that I am a vampire without the glitter.

I was driving Jack the Cat crazy with the laser pointer. He was running up and down the stairs, getting all sweaty chasing that red dot, then he looks at my hand holding it and then looks me right in the eye, tilts his head and gives me a deflated, "Are you fucking kidding me?" look.

He's so smart!

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When things unravel, I begin the travel.

In desperate need of a long ass road trip! Yes, it's true... I'm running away from my problems. Know of any couches I can crash on for the night? Maybe a few months? I could use a few jobs too if possible. I have about 20 days before real hell begins, so I need to get cracking on finding a new city to live in.

Since there really wasn't a "honeymoon" I thought I'd go on one! Yeah… Just me, by myself, all alone. It'll be fun! I'm good company. I'm an interesting conversationalist. I love the sound of my own voice and I can make myself laugh and I never get offended by anything I say no matter how disgusting I may find it.

Man am I glad last week is over! What a humiliating under the butt nut hug with kung fu grip it was! I might not survive another week.

Today only sucked at 88% of what yesterday's suckage rated, but still the drain was felt and aftershocks continue as the 5 Year Forecast looks dim, dark, drizzling and divorced. In other News: I need to go poopy.

Repaired the toilets in the house successfully. I've moved furniture, vacuumed, cleaned, imagined how my life could be in this beautiful house, but now I realize it's not meant to be. No part of this house could ever truly be mine, I couldn't call it home, so once again… I am homeless.

Need to learn to be more secretive! Is there a "how-to" book on this? Can any of you ladies teach me how to keep secrets?

Asking questions has become a problem for me. My popular questions are; What are you thinking? How you doing? Did you have any dreams?

Come to find that if the person wanted me to have the info, they would've told me. If the info was about me and it was positive, I wouldn't hear about it. If the info about me was bad, you bet they would tell me! Good news doesn't travel. Bad news is nearly instant.

Need to shut up more. I need to be quiet. I need to end the small talk. I need to be invisible. I need to disappear. I will make a great ghost!

Wish there was a way to mend the loose threads that unravel in my heart and in my mind, but no seamstress can be that talented. Hear my stomach grumbling from the medication that eats away at it, there's no way to sew on a patch to keep it from leaking like a sieve. There's an ugly hole next to the button where a razor was used to remove a stain.

There is a thunderstorm here, therefor I must go out and drive in it! I feel doomed. Anyone else feeling this? Is it just me? I saw rain hitting my windshield hard, but the lightning was in my head.

Ever want something so bad, for maybe 25 years? Then when it's there for you, you discover it really is unattainable, it's unlike your fantasy, and it has attachments that make the whole package difficult to embrace.

I was just talking to a friend the other day that I used to think that my relationships went bad because I only thought of the one girl I've always loved and never gave of myself completely, but what if it's just that I'm not good at any relationship? What if I am supposed to alone? What if I'm supposed to have babies with many young unwed mothers? What if I'm supposed to walk the Earth, like Caine from "Kung Fu?"

Sleep comes like a drug.

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Never marry a woman with children!

What was I thinking? This was a Number 1 Rule of mine YEARS AGO! I broke it
because?

Today I was climbing up a ladder and hit my head so hard on a door frame it
nearly knocked me out. I felt my spine crunch as the vertebrae compressed into
each other. There just wasn't enough painkillers around to subside the agony.
Little did I realize that this whack on the head was some serious sign from the
good sweet lord Jesus D. Christ telling me to start thinking straight and pull
my head out of my ass!

I think I've fucked up!

Maybe I shouldn't have married because I've been in love with the same woman for
20 something years. Maybe I've completely fooled myself and made her more than
she was. Maybe I only dreamed of her all those many nights because she
represented the girl I loved so long ago and I wanted to spend the rest of my
life with, but no one really stays the same, do they? She's moved on and I've
stayed the same immature boy.

While reeling in pain from the concussion I crawled my way to my computer to
check my email. I was so excited to see two emails from both of the daughters of
the artist formerly known as Jessica, but from here on in shall remain nameless
even if I were to ever write something good about her. I was excited because the
girls used to email, Skype, talk and be sweet and friendly, but as of the last
year or so, have distanced themselves from me and even seem to enjoy hurting me
with the comments that they've said to me, or happily offered information on
mean things others have said about me. Sweet are they not?

So I get these two emails back to back:

"I don't appreciate what I read about my father in this blog. I don't know if
you were trying to be funny but it has really upset me and Marilyn both. I feel
like you are trying to replace him by what you said in the blog. Please monitor
what you say next time."

And:

"Do you realize that you were talking about my mother when you were talking
about "sticking it in some of the same holes as all the others have" and
"finding condoms and lubricants and sexual aids that they used"? I don't
appreciate it and, in fact, it angers me. You need to watch what you say,
especially about my mother. She means the world to me and I will not have you
saying such disgusting things about her. You also need to be more sensitive to
the fact that Erin can read what you post on your blog. Talking badly about her
father is not a way to get on her good side. Just some friendly advice before
you get yourself into trouble."

Hmmm…

The post in question was:

http://jerrylentz.blogspot.com/2011/06/moved-into-house.html

Oh well. Win some, you lose some.

I told their mother, who recently became my wife way before we married, "If the
girls ever have a problem with it, it's over. I just don't want that kinda
trouble."

So, I'll see what I can do about moving out and finding another city to live in
as soon as I can, because there is zero chance this is ever going to work. It
will be very sad, but it's way better to hurt now and get over with it, than
hurt everyday for the rest of the marriage. It's not we didn't give it a good
try! It's almost been 30 days now!

If you know anyone that is in love and dating a mother of children of any age,
have them read this:

http://www.infobarrel.com/Why_You_Should_Never_Marry_a_Woman_With_Children

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What's New Pussy Cat?

This lil' fellow is Jack! He didn't start off being my cat, he found Jessica a few years back, but now he's totally my friend! We hit it off pretty fast! He is the most talkative cat I've ever known. We can carry on a conversation for hours. I know he knows what I'm saying, and I will figure out what he's telling me after a bit. He is very patient and doesn't mind repeating until I get it. He is very funny, too! He knows it, and he also knows he's cute. He acts tough, but the slightest rattle from a plastic bag, or thunder sends him running. The cutest thing though, is that he snores! He likes to sleep under the bed and under my side and one day while sleeping I woke to what I thought was me snoring, but this time it was him! That just makes me love him more! His hair is so soft, shiny and gray. You may have seen him in this video, but if not, please enjoy how he saved Jessica and me from two tornadoes that were approaching the house!

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I made the sauce myself!

Jessica has been sweet today, she let me sleep until 2:49pm! She gently woke me up by placing a heavy pillow across my face and pressing all her weight on it. But since she weighs nothing, I was able to survive another day.

Jessica seemed shocked to learn tonight that she married a man that doesn't know how to, or has ever cooked! All her past husbands and lovers were accomplished chefs. I suppose to save this relationship I better learn! I want to hang on to her as long as I can! Do you know of any good online tutorials or video series that can teach cooking from the very basics? This is important!

There used to be an online free BBC cooking course, but I can't find it now. Anyone know where it might have moved? I've been experimenting on a project for the last several weeks. Noticed there is no way to eat a Pop-Tart without leaving crumbs on my shirt. Mine seems to collect on a shelf where my belly begins. Sure I could eat sitting upright at the table, but for these purposes I've been in bed. I use an adhesive lint roller to remove crumbs, sometimes a vacuum attachment, or the cat, but the cat isn't always in the mood.

I've been seeking government grants and other funding, but at this time it's all been self financed.

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How can you get experienced? Have you ever been experienced?

This is like one of those Zen koan kinda things that puts me into some kinda feedback loop. When I saw the statement written on that card over the piano, it played over and over in my head, it still does. I had to take a photo of it just to torture myself even more.

Why do people say things like, "past history?" Is there a redundant phrase that you hear or like to point out? Two pleonasms I hear a lot is, "ATM machine" and "free gifts" that last one always cracks me up! I bet you have some!

Have you ever been saying something in a sexually suggestive way, being all romantic, getting your partner worked up and then all that build up collapses like a deflated balloon, as your lover squirts wine out her nose, falls to her knees holding her belly and laughing so uncontrollably she can't catch her breath all because your lip got hung on a dry tooth and you looked and sounded retarded? No?

I was all excited to see that I was witnessing the most intense meteor shower I'd ever seen until I realized it was just a sky full of lightning bugs. Still pretty. Anyone know if they're radioactive?

It's so magical and dangerous out here in the beautiful country!

My wife made me what I believe is the absolutely best cake I've ever had! Not very many people have made a cake for me other than my mom. Jessica's mom made me a great cake that I only got to take one bite out of before her horrible son stole it from me... Ugh... Still upset about that.

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Jessica is quite the reader. She's been reading me erotic stories at night. She has a wonderful, sexy and soothing reading voice, but every few minutes she has to stop because she gets a giggle fit.

Watched porn with a friend (decorum prevents me from mentioning my wife's name) looking for bloopers. Saw a Sasha Grey video where each guy in the gangbang pulls his pecker out of her butt and immediately into her mouth it goes. Sat thru this for a bit, then one spits into her open mouth, only then does my friend scream, "Eww, that's disgusting!"

Funny what some peoples limits are isn't it?

I saw the movie based on this book and I must say, it left a bad taste in my mouth!

After having all that fun putting the mixtape together for the wedding... I've been thinking of one to make for me and Jessica to just chill to while we sit on the couch drinking wine, rum, mojitos, or Hawaiian Punch. Maybe some retro and modern mixed. Give me some songs, please! What do you think?

Has anyone given a reason why milk is so expensive? I know dairy farmers aren't making anymore money. Haven't been much of a milk drinker in my life, as I was diagnosed as lactose intolerant, but I've started lately with good results on my granola cereal. It just seems pretty soon it will be cheaper to drink unleaded gasoline than milk.

I found a small electric van I can live in... (uh huh) Down by the river.

I'm really too tall for it. It looks cute, I think!

Gosh, I sure would like to have one, though.

While driving Jessica's compact crossover SUV, I kept hitting this button looking to tune in and drop out, but not a damn thing happened!

I was punching that button like I was a monkey thinking I was gonna get a treat!

I never could figure out what it was for!

Maybe someone can email me what it is, because there's no owner's manual.

Where Jessica and I now live there is a large amount of UFO sightings that have been reported in the past.

Out shopping at the local grocery store I was informed by the manager that these sponges have been reversed engineered from captured alien technology and the people he purchases them from are very pale, tall, thin, and mysterious characters. Isn't that cool?

He said if I wanted to see the people that deliver the sponges, he'd call me and I could sit in my car and try to get photos!

I think I will do just that! Jessica is slightly worried that we'll become some pawns in disinformation and be used and abused by some sick and perverse system bend on confusing the public and infiltrating the government on a network of local communities that may trade goods and services for human bodies for them to study and tag and do with what they please.

Find out more HERE!

Today while shopping we heard a woman asking the clerk if they had a Scientology cookbook written by L. Ron Hubbard, so Jessica handed her this book saying it was the Dianetics Cookbook and the woman bought it! Jessica is so helpful!

Jessica is always good at finding interesting items to buy in case of emergencies like zipping up my fly with my weener in the way.

Seems I'm always in need of repair!

My skin rash has returned and I look like I've been run through the alien abduction mill.

I hope my skin goes back to the beautiful porcelain white that it was before all the radiation!

Jessica knows I'm a handyman. She understands that I'm a man who knows how to do shit around the house. Yet she is very competitive and wants me to educate her on how to fix the plumbing so she won't need me.

First lesson: Pull your pants up before crawling under the sink, lil' missy!

Bet she was wondering how she got all that lose change in her panties!

I thought it was a coin-slot.

I found a painting on the floor in an abandoned warehouse while Jessica and I hunted for ghosts. This small bird must've thought the painting was real, wanted to be with the other beautiful birds, flew into it and killed itself.

Isn't life and death and art amazing?

Jessica took me to Davy Crockett's cabin!

It was great to see! Here's a photo, hopefully you can see all the detail.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davy_Crockett

I loved all the movies about him as a kid, going to the Alamo when I lived in
Texas, then getting to actually meet Fess Parker, Buddy Ebsen and Billy Bob
Thornton when I lived in California, now seeing where Davy Crockett lived is
pretty neat!

Bugs are everywhere here! Ever try to spray a bug or spider, and find out too
late that the can isn't a regular bug spray, but a can of fogger that you can't
turn off, so you run around the house like a man that accidentally pulled the
key out of his grenade, aiming to toss it out the door? No? Oh well…

Jessica is obsessed with genealogy, but her research grinds to a halt as she
discovers we are related. Can you now see how curiosity is evil? I wonder if in
our past lives we were siblings or lovers? I wonder what we will be in our
future lives? Maybe we will both be cats!

If you love talking cats! If you love storms! If you love watching tornadoes! We
almost had our cabin blown away! This AMAZING video has all that and more! See
and hear the storm Jessica and I just survived! No special 3D glasses needed!
See it NOW before it goes viral! Please watch it and leave a wonderful comment
on how much you loved it!

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I will cut you up!

Jessica wants me to mow the property, with all those scary critters out
there...? Well, there's only two guys to do the job and both start with a "J,"
one is John Deere and the other is Jerry Lentz! (insert Green Acres theme song
here) I just hope our Bigfoot doesn't get me!

While we are having our evidence and patience tested, Jessica and I hope that
soon the strange, odd and somewhat Fortean experiences we are having at this
beautiful home will be examined with scientific scrutiny and investigative
skill.

http://weirdnews.aol.com/2011/06/16/bigfoot-dna-evidence-face-impression-body...

See? We're not the only ones seeing Bigfoot! And these Police Officers have
video as well! So there!

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/police-cruiser-evidence/p9uba9x

See what Yahoo News, Yahoo Buzz, BBC4, Sky News, Morning Express with Robin
Meade and Reuters are all talking about! Now see this video, as well!

http://jerrylentz.blogspot.com/2011/06/i-finally-get-to-have-my-encounter-wit...

Did the Bible predict this storm? Is this ice from a passing comet? Is this how
an alien culture will populate the Earth?

http://jerrylentz.blogspot.com/2011/06/did-this-ice-fall-from-sky-or-did-it_1...

These last few days have been rough on me. I'm having weird feelings coming up.
Maybe it's the new medication I'm on, but probably just me. Now that I'm finally
living with the girl I've loved for over 25 years, now that I'm living in the
house of my dreams, living in the beautiful country my mother grew up in… I fear
I will somehow lose it all. Jessica brilliantly diagnosed me by saying that I've
been living so long being unhappy when something good comes along, I have
trouble believing it, trusting it, or I'm just so used to being unhappy I find
all this happiness strange and unfamiliar.

I know one thing; I would die without her! She has saved my life! I can't lose
her! But I'm afraid my worrying and depression might soon wear on her and she
will grow tired of me and leave. I caught myself praying, which for an atheist
like me was shocking and silly, but I asked God to help me not screw this up.

Sleep has been difficult, but in the brief moments between the storms outside
and the storms inside my head, I feel asleep and dreamed I was running through
the trees behind this house and when I reached the bubbling brook I bent down to
scoop up some water in my hand to drink and when I did I caught my reflection
and I saw that I was Bigfoot.

I get so excited when Jessica walks toward me! I dunno why? I just do and always
have. Sometimes I walk away from her just so I can see her come my way! I love
being at the bottom looking up at her, but then I love being on top watching her
below me. She's so cool! When I look at her and see her beauty, I feel ugly, I
feel like a beast, I feel like Bigfoot and she's my princess.

http://jerrylentz.posterous.com/a-newlywed-descending-a-staircase

Thanks so much for putting up with me,
Jerry

You must visit:
http://www.jerrylentz.com/
http://tinyurl.com/yb885xt
http://www.facebook.com/jerrylentz
http://www.facebook.com/thejerrylentz
http://www.jerrylentz.com/podcast/podcast.xml

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A Newlywed Descending a Staircase!

Jessica took me to some haunted places that I hope to add to my documentary on
ghost stories! We didn't see any ghosts, but I sure saw somebody I'd like to
possess! Just look at her at the top of those old rickety stairs in that
building that was about to fall apart. Even in all that dust, death and danger
she was smiling and beautiful!

At lunch today Jessica pointed to a very old mexican man eating in the corner
booth and asked me, "You know what that sweet old man is called?"

Thinking she knew the man I said, "No."

She said, "A Señor Citizen!"

Isn't she the silliest?

It's my never ending quest to eradicate any possibility of cancer permutating my
beautiful body. My doctor was cool, but the nurse sticking me with a needle to
numb the various areas before slicing was to begin, said in a staccato voice,
"This may sting... you... little prick."

So I asked, "Did you just call me a 'little prick?'"

She laughed so hard she accidentally shoved the needle deep into my skull, now I
don't think or feel anything!

I was getting a bunch of precancerous moles removed at knife point. Hopefully
after all my surgeries I'll be cancer free, but I bet I'll leak like a sieve. I
gotta think positively!

A friend was telling me about Essiac to fight cancer, I drink the tea, I've also
been following the PH Kills Cancer formula and actually began liking the taste
of the drink, then Jessica asked me if I had heard of the Scorpion Cure. I said,
"Is that the one where I listen to the album, "Love at First Sting" and get
cured by, "Rock You Like a Hurricane?"

http://edition.cnn.com/2003/HEALTH/10/23/cancer.scorpion.venom/

Hey! This is seriously AMAZING! I made this video almost a year ago this July
4th and everything in it came TRUE!!! If this isn't an example of The Secret
working, I don't know what is!!! It's just so unbelievable!

I drove by a sign that said, "Get Dad the girl he won't mind sweating over, for
Father's Day!" I almost ran off the road! Later driving back by I saw that it
didn't say, "girl" but it in fact said "grill" so I'm thinking of getting some
paint and changing it to "girl," what do you think?

I post this for educational purposes only! I have friends that may find this
information valuable.

http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-get-a-girl-who-is-way-out-of-your-leag...

Someone sent me some old plans and instructions from 1968 on how to build a
homemade jetpack! It looks completely doable, yet absolutely dangerous, so
therefor I must build it! Jessica said I could build a workshop laboratory in
the basement next to the movie studio we're building.

Wish me luck!

Video coming soon! Unless I die.

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Who knew you could find Sexual Machinery in Thrift Stores?

I hope you can see what Jessica is holding! While rooting through piles of
interesting items that have been let go by people unloading the baggage of the
material life, I spotted a medical device called, "Gay Pump" and supposedly once
upon a time if you suspected your little boy of being "Queer" you would take him
to a quack and pretend doctor, who was most likely a christian child molester,
that would undress the boy and place his penis into the pump, turn the device on
and suction would begin in an effort to vacuum out the "Gayness."

Reading the small instruction book that came with it was hilarious as it
contained numerous misspellings, biblical tracts and even photos of underage
boys in the nude having the procedure performed on them. It had a strange Larry
Clark and Bruce Weber quality to the photographs. It was interesting to see
actual medical quackery.

I wonder if it acted as a penis pump and these poor boys being inflicted by this
horrible torture found that their cocks were actually growing in length?

Now I wish we had bought it… You know, just as a novelty item!

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Did this ice fall from the sky, or did it fall from space?

Wow! Look at this strange piece of ice that fell in the hailstorm! It looks like an alien, or that face on Mars!

We had a terrifying hail storm! I was out in it and a chunk of ice nicked my ear and boy that stung! It still hurts! My car is totaled! Windows busted! Paint has been peeled off porches and walls! My 1st major storm in this new house!

Bigfoot one day, terrifying storm the next... Weird!

I hooked up my NOAA Weather Radio and the automated Weather Service voice begins announcing the conditions and Jessica says, "It's so nice Stephen Hawking is able to get work."

The temperatures dropped after the storm, possibly brought on by the lunar eclipse, as I was undressing Jessica and rubbing her beautiful skin in the dim light I said, "Hey, you must be cold because you have goosebumps." She sighed and exclaimed, "Uhh, those are my breasts!"

Watch this horrifying video of the hailstorm! We're lucky to have survived it! It was like some strange biblical prophecy! So unreal!

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What you are about to experience, no man should have to endure!

This is Jessica and me, moments before our encounter with the uncanny! Yet, look how cute we look!

The local Game Warden who came out to help investigate our possible Bigfoot sighting gave me this photo of a creature many folks around here have witnessed that they call, "The Shoal Creek She-Beast!" I'm thinking this might make a good documentary for me to make with interviews of the local people that have seen her. If you know anything about her please let me know!

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2056905498300&set=a.1147673608071.2024...

You won't believe your eyes when you see this thing! Should they be hunted down, or saved like an endangered species? All I know is that we're so lucky to be alive! Heard the weird shrieks all night long! I didn't sleep one bit, but Jessica was out like she'd been shot with animal tranquilizers. Unexplainable! Unnerving! Unbelievable! Can they be related to humans, or are they related to apes? See what Yahoo News, Yahoo Buzz, BBC4, Sky News, Morning Express with Robin Meade and Reuters are all talking about! Now see this video! See yesterday's posting!

Jessica wants me to mow the lawn, but I want to go fishing... Dang! It's like two great tastes in one!

Or I could move by remote control!

I gotta get something! The lawn and all the acres need mowing, maybe I should get some goats! What if I get attacked by the Shoal Creek She-Beast while I'm out mowing? Maybe I should just hire someone to do the mowing instead!

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I finally get to have my encounter with Bigfoot! YOU MUST SEE!

I've waited my whole life for this and I'm just glad I was with the person I love and trust the most! I'm sorry it was so scary for her (and me, of course) but I believe witnessing something strange and unnerving can strengthen a bond between people.

As the sun was setting Jessica and I were shooting some video of the house and property to show our friends and family where we now live. It seems we either caught footage of a black bear, a lost gangsta street thug, a trespasser, a homeless mountain man, a ninja, or very possibly... Bigfoot!

After contacting the local authorities and various game and wildlife conservationists, it seems sightings such as these are rather common in these here parts. Asked whether the video had a clear image of "the beast," I replied, "I wish my image was less clear, because I looked awful, I wasn't dressed well, my eyes were bloodshot, I hadn't shaved, and I had bags under my eyes..."

There was such a long silence of the other end of the phone line I could just imagine the Sheriff's Deputy shaking his head slowly and thinking, "...fag."

Watch this NOW before you see it on the NEWS!!!

After you've finished watching this AMAZING video, please take a few moments to see some very awesome videos and sexy photos I've been taking as part of a book of erotica I'm putting together!

http://jerrylentz.blogspot.com/2011/06/i-took-bunch-of-photos-of-jessica-for....

And then see a New Book Trailer I've voiced for a New York Times Bestselling author. It ROCKS!

http://jerrylentz.blogspot.com/2011/06/watch-this-awesome-trailer-for-hush-by...

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Watch this awesome trailer for "Hush" by Nancy Bush and hear the coolest voice known and loved by millions!

Yes, it is true, that's your humble narrator, Jerry Lentz creating another brilliant work for a major international media conglomerate and a bestselling author because I'm just the man for the job.

Imagine for a moment what it must be like to hear that heart palpitating, knee weakening, pulse pounding, trance inducing, wetness producing, voice of God every night in bed like my lucky new wife gets to hear.

And people wonder why I talk to myself. Can I help it if my voice turns me on?

To hear more of this amazing sound, please visit:

The Voice in Your Head

I hope you enjoy it as much as I and all my fans and clients do!

I took a bunch of photos of Jessica for a book I've been working on and I think this is definitely one of my favorites from the shoot! When I have such a wonderful muse and beautiful model, it comes so easy.

During our cross country excursion, Jessica and I discovered the Boobie Bungalow! Yay! I love AMERICA!

Check out this video I shot, edited and directed for a charity dance! I hope you like it! Jerome Jackson is a great friend to have, so help out his cause and vote for him and Debbie to win this great dance contest!

This is so awesome! I want to build one for my Honda, but Jessica gets mad and says, "You'll be sleeping up there, roll over, fall out onto the ground and break your neck!"

Rooftop Campers!

Let me ask you; Should I be concerned that my new wife knows all the terms, codewords, slang and acronyms for dirty sexual porno acts, or should I celebrate? Help me! My friend, 17 year old, Ashleigh innocently wondered what "Swashbuckler" meant and Jessica explained this way! And all the time Ashleigh was only wondering why "Shrek" was rated PG13! You are a very dirty and naughty MILF, Jessica!

This is so awesome! I miss Johnny Carson!

I wish people would stop posting fake profiles of me on singles and porno sites!

I LOVE this! It's so cool to see the real women that inspired these works!

Jessica and I were looking for a possible location for a treehouse and as she slid off of the tree I took this photo. I think this one has to go in my book of photography! What do you think?

I think if Jessica climbed up in this tree, it would eat her up! But then, I couldn't really blame it.

The married life has been amazing and so very awesome! I love the house we're in, I love the land, I love driving around and seeing the cool historical things and all the old haunted places! I was off by myself, driving and learning the area and listening to the mixed-tape-iPod-Wedding-Song-list and was surprised that I had missed putting Rick James on it.

Man, I'm miss this! I swear, if they had made this into a feature film, I would watch it EVERYDAY! I LOVED it that much!

"'Police pulled me over for showing too much skin!' says leggy tourist!" The part that upsets me about this was the officers need to frisk and perform a strip search on this poor girl!

Jessica asked me, "Hey, is that a 224-foot-tall Saturn 1B rocket powered by eight H-1 rocket engines burning RP-1 fuel with liquid oxygen, or are you just happy to see me?" She's so smart! Then she asked me, "...how'd we get it back after we shot it into space?"

"Parachutes. Tractor-Beams. Tethers. Do you think the Government wastes anything the taxpayers pay for?"

For some reason, I get hard looking at this photo. I don't know why?

Rocket-Man!

Being next to this really makes me feel my pee-pee isn't that spectacular after all.

Next I'm taking Jessica to Mammoth Cave to see how she feels!

Went for a long ass road trip with Jessica today and if I have to be behind another car with some vinyl decal death dedication in its back window or some self congratulatory stick-on ribbon for "fill in the blank" or the proud parent of an accelerated reader bumper-sticker, I'm gonna pull her panties down and spank her ass until it's red! That'll show them!

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What a work of Art... Oh and that painting, too!

Been thinking of painting!

This is one of my favorites by Jessica! In my new office she hung a painting she made of some morning glories I took with my cellphone camera in a courtyard of one of the numerous places I lived in LA. She is letting me pick where in the house to hang her paintings! I'm so excited because for years and years I wanted to surround myself with her paintings! I want to turn the whole house into a gallery!

http://artofjessica.blogspot.com/

The basement in this new house is huge and I was thinking of turning the space into 3 sets for some possible film projects. I want to build a cool and scary dungeon like in a Hammer film, but what should I build as the other 2 sets for 2 different movies?

I have a friend that built a dungeon in his house in North Hollywood that he rents out to porno shoots and he's made quite a bit of money from that! Another friend had a Star Trek bridge built for a play and after it finished its run he moved it to his house and he too rented it to a porno shoot.

I just want to make my own movies down there! Maybe do something kinda SciFi looking, too. Catching up on the last 2 Doctor Who episodes. Not sure why it's taken so long for me to watch them... Oh, I know... The wedding, the honeymoon, moving into a house in another state... Little things like that.

Maybe I could grow some pot down there! I know in Calipornia I could be getting medical marijuana just for what was cut out of me in the colonoscopy or even my depression! I'm really thinking of doing some hydroponics and seeing if I can even grow some mushrooms like portobello and shiitake. http://planetgreen.discovery.com/home-garden/sixtysixthings-growhome-containe...

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I'm just draining her of blood!

I love this photo from my wedding night!

It captures my feeling about that night and every night since the wedding exactly. Life truly has been a dream everyday she said, "Yes!" I woke up this morning and totally ruined a perfectly good alien abduction! Boy did they looked surprised!

Yesterday I was just out walking the farm with the co-owner and could smell the freshly mowed property of the farm next door. I saw a guy cutting the tall grass with one of those zero turning ratio lawnmowers and I thought to myself, "Self, I want one of those to cut this grass! How much are they and which would be cheaper, that or some goats to eat the grass?"

Later, I was vacuuming and casually glanced down at the clear plastic dust collector thingy and the swirling cat hair inside and briefly panicked when I thought I has sucked the cat up!

After a recent inquiry to attend a SciFi/Horror convention as a guest, I've been thinking about doing more. Anyone know how to get on that kinda circuit? I think I wouldn't mind doing more of these! I got some great ideas for mini seminars that I could do, and I can certainly moderate some panels. My friend, Steve sent this to me and I wondered why I hadn't thought of this before, especially since Jessica has a huge collection of the original toys and a hot body, too! "Sexy Star Wars nudescapes transform Tatooine"

http://dvice.com/archives/2011/06/nsfw-sexy-star.php

Because, it's my lot in life!

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This is better than that videogame, "Call of Doody!"

Went over the pathology report with my doctor. He said, "If you hadn't had the colonoscopy and we hadn't removed the aggressive polyps, I would say in a year's time you would have colon cancer." Please take this moment to thank Jessica for her determination in persuading me to do the procedure, and once again saving my life.

My back is really hurting from all the moving, can you walk on it for me? Could you rub me a lil'? I'm just gonna get on the bed for a while. You can go ahead and talk to me, I'm just gonna close my eyes and hope the animal tranquilizers kick in.

I'm so tired! I could sleep a few more hours. Am I the only one that feels this way? What am I to do? I don't want the new wife to think I'm a lazy bum. I wonder how I can sneak in some Zzzz without her knowing?

Note to self: Jerry, remember how this feels so you will forever stay away from MSG! We had some kinda Japanese noodle dish last night. It was good, but packed with so much sodium I felt like I had just licked the entire Salton Sea.

The water here is from a well, but it started turning brown. Not quite like chocolate milk. I'm thinking it might be iron. Has anyone experienced this and should I be worried? I guess I can reduce my iron intake from the daily vitamins I take, too. I'm always looking for the positive in any situation.

I do have regrets. Wish I didn't. There have been many paths I could've taken, but for some reason I didn't. I suppose one of my biggest regrets is not having become an American Apparel model. I will have to live with that, but I know you can make me feel better about it.

Yesterday I watched a woman in her mid 40s flirting with a very young boy maybe 19 who was her waiter. She kept batting her eyelashes at him, leaning forward so her blouse fell open to expose her full round breasts, she would lick her lips repeatedly, giggling... I was embarrassed for her. Have you ever witnessed anything like this and what did you do?

If you'd been there, you would have noticed too. She was flaunting them big titties, squeezing them and hoisting them up so this poor boy couldn't miss them. It was like she was a Southern Mrs. Robinson. Sad, really. I watched her do this the entire time I was there eating and have been thinking about her ever since. I've had my share of young girls hitting on me, but I would never embarrass myself with such an age difference, besides Jessica is enough for me, too much for one man it seems! I'm just lucky that she finds the time to squeeze me in.

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I took this picture of the most beautiful girl I've ever known!

Yesterday was an absolute blast! We goofed around, went thrift store shopping,
buying stuff for the house, went to a restaurant where I casually mentioned it
was our first time there, so the owner came over and gave us free BBQ ribs… I'm
doing that from now on!

Jessica knows my history with photography and after she saw my huge collection
of cameras, she was willing to pose for me some more. Knowing me as she does,
and knowing my style, she feels so comfortable doing anything I ask on camera.
That give me a lot of confidence as an artist!

Driving around today, we found a carnival under construction, so I pulled over
and got her to do some poses for me. I really love this photo! We really had a
great time today!

With 110 Degree temps and moving and packing, I developed a serious heat rash! I
look like Richard Wordsworth in "The Quatermass Xperiment," so I've been using
A+D Zinc Oxide Diaper Rash Cream on my privates, it leaves a thick white coating
when you apply it, therefor it looks like my cock has been antiqued.

Jessica likes to sleep with a small pillow between her knees to prevent back
pain, so when I was getting into bed, I innocently and sweetly asked her, in an
effort to take care of her, "Candypants, do you have anything between your
legs?"

To which she replied, "Baby, we've been married for 11 days, I'd hoped you would
have noticed by now what I got going on down there with my 'Lady Business!'"

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I feel like I'm playing house!

I'm looking at growing a garden to get some veggies! Jessica has made some amazing lunches and dinners lately and it seems we both like that same things cooked the same way. I think I want to have a garden that we can get all the things we need to fix our favorite dishes. I think I'm going to try that square foot gardening. My mind is spinning with all the things I could do here on these 5 acres of beautiful soil.

I grew up reading this magazine and have a huge collection of back issue information that could really get us going to being independent with our food, energy, and creativity.

http://www.motherearthnews.com/

I've already been perusing some of my favorite sites looking at all the possibilities of fun we could be getting ourselves into.

http://www.instructables.com/

http://www.threadbanger.com/

http://www.hungrynation.tv/

http://www.popularmechanics.com/

http://www.lindsaybks.com/

http://www.halloweenmonsterlist.info/

http://makezine.com/

http://www.readymade.com/

http://www.diylife.com/

http://lifehacker.com/

http://www.surplusshed.com/

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Moved into a house!

This is the house Jessica owns with her ex-husband, but hopefully in a few years his name will be removed from the paperwork. I've moved all my stuff in and have begun packing things away, cleaning, and getting to know the cat that lives in the house. It's beautiful up here in the country in the state where my mom and my new wife were born. The house is really nice! As soon as the cat hair, cat smell, cobwebs, clutter, and her ex husband's stuff that seems to be everywhere is gone, or at least organized better, I will feel slightly more at home. Would you feel strange if you were asked if you wanted to sleep with a pillow the ex of your spouse used? How about opening a drawer to store some of your stuff and finding condoms and lubricants and sexual aids that they used? I guess I'm too sensitive about this kinda stuff and should have no problem wearing his old clothes, wearing his old used boxers, sleeping on the same mattress on the same side he did, or even washing out his lucky condoms, brushing my teeth with his old toothbrush, having her call me the same cute names she called him... After all, I've been eating on the same forks, peeing in the same pot, so should it be any different to be sticking it in some of the same holes as all the others have? I guess not. I hope to get over it soon! I may have to make myself feel better by having sex with other girls. I know that's weird, cause I hate cheating, but I just know whenever I was having troubles in the past with my feelings of jealousies or insecurities, it always made me feel so much better to go and have sex with some random young girl. People have been asking me why there were no "vows" included in the wedding. My answer has been, "I hate lying!"

I imagine it will be years before I feel comfortable enough to call this place "home," knowing how long the wait was to marry her, only seeing her on weekends after I moved down to be with her, and the amazing length of time her divorce took, I imagine I will have a place I can call home about 2 years after I've died and have become a ghost.

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On this day in 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to spacewalk during the flight of Gemini 4 and Jerry Lentz is also a Gemini and has the mentality of a 4 year old...

Coincidence?

I'm so tired!

I want to sleep, but this person that's now in my life keeps waking me up and acting like I need to do things around the house.

It didn't used to be this way when I was single. It's funny, all these years living alone and I can't remember a single moment where I nagged myself into doing shit.

When I said this, my friend, Kenneth Sparks said, "Hey, be careful about calling people, 'Naggers.' Not kindly looked upon these days."

So I replied, "Sorry, I meant, 'Naggroes.'"

Here is the absolutely worst bathroom door in the history of horrible Mexican restaurants and Jessica was there to capture one half of it nearly decapitating my nuts.

I'm thinking the next time I paint my car, instead of paint I'll use A+D Zinc Oxide Diaper Rash Cream cause that shit is hard to get off!

I feel like blowin' some shit up right now!

I'm a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm. I'm a runaway son of the nuclear A-bomb. I am a world's forgotten boy, the one who searches and destroys. Honey gotta help me please! Somebody gotta save my soul! Baby detonates for me!

Today is June 1st and we just had our first misunderstanding in 26 years!

Jessica said, "Our sex-life's sole aim should be one giving up and surrendering to love..."

But I thought she said, "Our sex-life is so lame and you should just give up and surrender!"

I moped all day until she asked me what was wrong.

Jessica spend almost all her Cannes Film Festival time on the beach... In Panama City.

Marilyn and Erin found some needed privacy on the beach away from the paparazzi.







4 people have asked if I only did it for the Green Card. I didn't, but I sure hope I can get something for the effort.